Reality Check

Hey.

Pressure

Hello.

I'm posting this one retroactively. 

Stress is a hard thing to deal with, and to be frank, I wasn't dealing with it well.

It took a ridiculous combination of tough love and unwavering support to get me out of my own head and back to work. But regardless, I figured it made sense to share it.

Well... I guess I should get to it.

Mangos

 Hi.

It didn't start out as a lonely day.

Calling my friends, calling my family, talking like things are normal.

And then I had the mangos. Nothing special - just eating a few mangos. I've done this several times before. I've had them with my mom and my dad. I had them with my brother.

And then I had them alone.

And that's when the day was different. That was when the day turned lonely.

Frustrated Fliration

Hey there.

How've you been? Social skills rusty? Well, it's been a while. And for some things, it's been eons.

Sure, you can talk about the pandemic, and how that's changed how we interact - eye contact through a screen just doesn't work the same way when you meet someone in person. But if that's where this issue was from... I'd probably end up ranting about people who reject science...

So let's go back a bit for a little context.

Cut. It. Out.

Hi. 

Wondering if folks get the reference in the title...

It's been a while. Life has changed quite a bit - a hyperbolic understatement to say in the least.

But as is always the case, the earth keeps rotating, the wheel keeps turning, the sun will rise again, and our hair will keep growing...

... and growing.

So today I thought I'd talk about it. Again ^_^.

Slightly drowning

Hi.

This semester has been a bit different than before. Yes I'm vastly enjoying the course material of Neuro-anatomy. Yes I'm using most of the study techniques that I was attempting to develop in the fall. But the biggest difference is the monster exam and prep coming up in the late spring.

I'm behind on the book reading for the courses. I haven't finalized a personal statement to garner a recommendation. I'm avoiding reaching out to a mentor who specifically has been taking time to work through things with me.

The pressure of the failure is building. It's starting to overshadow my confidence in neuroanatomy. I'm falling into old habits. And the list of what I should be doing is building. Exercise, meditation, communication, stress management.

I'm slightly drowning.

I guess I'll just keep swimming?

In Like

Hi.

I don't know if it's getting to be that time of year when daylight savings makes it seem like the sun sets waaaaaaaaaay to early, or if I've just been watching too many Asian dramas (like this one 70 episode historical fiction saga on Netflix...), but it's got me thinking...

Work it

Hi.

I've been meaning to post about a few crochet/knit projects I've been working on, including one I just finished yesterday, that just needs to be blocked, finished, etc... finally - it took quite a bit of reworking, possibly due to the fact that I'm still a bit of a noob at knitting... But I figured I should add in the last project and make sure I complete all the finishing touches on the projects before I post them. Personally it's been hilarious because I have been working on items for winter over the course of April thru August... well at least they'll be ready for this upcoming winter? :P

Regardless, the yarning projects are only one of several things I've picked up lately in addition to the list of items I've had on my list to accomplish since I've had a bit more time on my hands since June...  which of course has included things I hadn't meant to do, like (re)binging a few beloved television series (i.e. Veronica Mars, Psych, Chuck, Korean dramas on Netflix, Totally Spies - yes. Totally Spies. It's so bad... I blame Amazon prime video for that one). But unemployment of course has some downsides, so lately I have been determined to work on one of my wayside personal goals: getting back in shape.

Weighed down

Hi.

It's a seasonal thing. Everybody has those feelings. It's easier to sleep. Snails seem to speed past you, but hey, at least they are getting somewhere. Talking is too much of a bother. The thoughts just keep swirling down deeper.

Sometimes the downward pull is stronger. There isn't enough upward force to pull you back into the regular sinusoidal patterns of life. The earth is just slowly sinking under you. And the further down you go, the harder it is to climb out - the easier it is to fall into it, let it swallow you.

You're not considering ending things, you're not that kind of person, not that selfish. But the world is just... hard.

You're trapped under a rock-slide. You've made some bad decisions. You're not where you hoped to be. Things are changing, but inertia is hard to resist. Where is this all supposed to end?

Desirables

Hi.

"I want to feel desired."

That thought has lingered in my brain ever since a conversation with a friend, as we ruminated over what we seek in a relationship and the ways we'd go about doing it.

Somehow, you don't need to clarify that statement. It doesn't need to be followed up with background or definitions of some vague concept. Sure you can elaborate. But it describes the bottom line - to be with someone who wants you.

Lost and Found

Hi!!!

And before you ask, no, the new background is not a stock photo or something I googled. It was taken on a mid-October trip to San Diego... I swear, that place still doesn't seem for real...

Because my patience does not extend to providing a year in review, I'll get right to the post. ^_^

Fireflies

Hi.

Happy 2016!

It's about that time when things start to settle in for the winter weather - as in it actually feels like winter - and if you've made any resolutions, you discover if you'll actually end up sticking with them. Of course, if you've been with me for long, you know how I feel about resolutions - but that doesn't mean that I don't have some goals for myself during this upcoming year. And don't worry, I'll get into it sure enough ^_^.

But first let's get a little philosophical?

Bonding

Hi.

Even though it's the start of November, I love how we've been graced with beautiful 70 degree weather. Welcome fall much? (don't even get me started on the post-Halloween rush for a certain end of year holiday...)

Of course that is when I am graced with the flu. But before I succumbed to the worst of the symptoms, I managed to have my first grown-up get-together.

Now don't get too excited, it was just a small potluck with a couple of my co-workers that live nearby. And I don't exactly have the largest place. I think realistically, I could have 8 people over at the most?

But regardless, it was actually a successful night. I honestly didn't think everyone would stay as long as they did (especially for a work night). But the evening lasted 3 hours and I wasn't even the one who suggested a repeat performance - albeit at another's apartment next time.

[Oh and in case you're wondering, I made spiced apple cider, black beans and rice + fresh salsa, and spicy drinking chocolate for dessert. Yeah, there was definitely a spiced theme.]

Scary Thrills

Hi.

Hmmm... what to write about... Well, let's see - Halloween is coming up next weekend, so why not talk about things that scare...

Ever since I saw my first thriller as a little sixth grader, I've pretty much avoided horror movies. And considering that it was the original Mummy... well it's a classic, but it's not necessarily the worst of the bunch.

And considering it gave me nightmares for a week, well I'm seriously a light weight when it comes to them. Something about the movie with the suspense of not knowing what doom is coming, yet knowing that come it will, wigs me out like nothing else. And the only reason it actually gets worse? The music. If I had to watch it without the music, I think I'd be quite fine actually.

But essentially, horror movies = my ultimate scare.

On the other hand, haunted houses? Let's just stay startling me with a person dressed as a scary person - I'm gonna notice the cool costume. I mean, I think if they upped the ante and really went into the macabre and gore? Yeah, you'll get them.

Otherwise, haunted houses are really the funniest thing in the world for me - people's reactions are great. Which is exactly what I learned last night at my first set of haunted houses. I was greatly amused the entire time ^_^.

So next time? Startle me, you'll get a blink, or possibly a small flinch. Cause the only way to really scare me, is to make me watch a scary movie.

So maybe don't? :D

Happy scaring!

Permanent

Hi.

Growing up in a typical Indian household, I was a pretty traditional kid. Of course, there were the small innocuous things I did to rebel - like staying up late, reading romance novels that were forbidden, had my teenager secrets... you know, really small things.

I mean I didn't do things that other Indian kids were doing, like date behind my parents backs, party late nights with alcohol (at least not till college, but only really once I was 21). I was the good girl who went to the temple for festivals, went to Sunday school, got As in school, and my rebellion consisted of teenage angst.

So maybe that's why most people don't expect it when they find out I have a tattoo.

A lot of people ask me if I have a tattoo mostly because they've seen a glimpse of it at first and are curious. And then they ask me what it is. About half of them take the next step and ask what it means.

Now, I am all for sharing, but the reasons for getting my tattoo are personal. I mean it's on my body. My reply is usually a vague response awkwardly deflecting the question.

While the reasoning for what my tattoo is is personal, the reasons for why I got it are less so, but not really an answer I'd share to every person that asks.

I find tattoos can be very beautiful pieces of art - using the natural spread and shape of the body as a canvas to not only create beauty, but enhance the body's beauty (though that isn't always the case of course).

I'm a little too traditional to allow myself to get something like that, but I held onto that aesthetic. So when I got a tattoo, I wanted to emphasize something beautiful about my body.

But of course that isn't the only reason.

Somehow, I think I wanted physical evidence. Of what? Well, that depends.

That means, when I'm with someone, I want something that shows off that I have someone - and that they have me. Evidence of - well, ownership (whether that's a piece of jewelry or a mark of "passion" - discretely placed of course).

In that way, getting the tattoo was a way of proving that I own myself - that my body is mine to control. And that's probably why I'm not as open about people asking after my tattoo.

I mean sure, I do have the prerogative to show it off - I mean it gives me street cred ^_^.

But I like it to be my decision to share, because I'm sharing something of myself. Which of course leads to the awkward explanations on my part.

So of course I'm stuck at how to conclude - so I'll just leave you with this song:

And I'm back

Hi. Hello. Yello. Hola.

I'm back! I've officially moved (not officially unpacked...) to my new cute downtown Chicago apartment and I'm excited! I mean sure, the past weekend and this I've been stuck unpacking and working and all that... but my new place is more my size and I've got plans to start exploring more - it definitely helps that it's not basically dead outside by 9 or 10pm ^_^.

[potential pictures for sharing on the horizon?]

Expresso

Hi!

Aite, let's forget introductions and get to good stuff!

Zombified

Hi.

Sitting in my living room, I notice that the room is bathed in a bright glow of sun light. All I want to do is head right out and feel the wind and the moving of life around me while soak up up the sun.

Not that it's going to happen.

It's been ages since there was sun, and most of it while I'm stuck in or rushing to work - it doesn't even linger when I finally get to head home.

Darkness, wind chill, freezing my ass off.

So instead of soaking up the sunlight on a relatively free weekend, I'm stuck struggling to force myself to run my errands and chores.

Isn't it great when sunshine suddenly becomes the fucking bane of my day...

And now we return to your regularly scheduled post

Tech Talk

Hi.

About every four years, I reach a point of considering if my laptop will last, or if I should look for some kind of replacement.

This year, however, came just a little early and with a few more electronics/accessories than usual.

Pretty

Hi.

So in a kind of separate "mood" of the previous post, I find myself suddenly feeling oh, well, oh so very pretty.

I mean I always feel a little pretty when I paint my nails (all 20 of them) but for some reason I feel especially so this time.

My suspicion is that the answer lies within the color.