Desirables

Hi.

"I want to feel desired."

That thought has lingered in my brain ever since a conversation with a friend, as we ruminated over what we seek in a relationship and the ways we'd go about doing it.

Somehow, you don't need to clarify that statement. It doesn't need to be followed up with background or definitions of some vague concept. Sure you can elaborate. But it describes the bottom line - to be with someone who wants you.

When I think about the future, I know I want certain things. I want to be able to afford nice things (you know like those 1k kickass Louboutin booties...). I want to be able to travel and dine on great food and drink. I want to experience different cultures, and I want to spend time doing the things I like.

And I want to do it with someone.
I want that person to respect me, listen to me, think about me, sit with me, be with me.
And that basically describes a really awesome roommate (and she's totally awesome ^_^).

What makes that a relationship? Something a little more.

I think at some point I stopped thinking about intimacy and desire. I mean as it is I have other hurdles that need jumping without bringing sex into the picture. But really I've been looking for someone who is going to be my closest friend for the rest of my life. Someone who I can trust to share my life with. Someone who ends the loneliness.

I don't know when I started to just look for someone to fill the physical void. Was it was a symptom of living on my own or going on first dates that lacked an interest in me beyond a hook-up? Maybe I was relying too much on my date becoming my friend, that it pushed anything else out.

I want be with someone who respects me, listens to me, thinks about me, sits with me, is with me.
Pays attention to me.

I treasure compliments - they show appreciation for my style and taste and skills. There is awe or interest in the way I accessorize. But I hold dear the ones about me. That look at me, not what I'm wearing. The one when I was beautiful and the one where I looked really nice. That time I was just awesome.

I want the pointed - occasionally rose-tinted - gaze of mutual interest. I want the background to fade when their attention falls on me. I want someone to notice the details - to collate the insignificant observations (like the ones that will inevitably take up space in my head) - because they want to, can't help but, look at me.

It seems ironic, because I've basically suppressed any inclination of hoping for some kind of attraction when I'm introduced to someone or go on a first date (can never trust pictures to be accurate...). I'm basically assuming that zing at first glance is a statistically improbable expectation, whereas the warm over attraction over time - much more probable. It's the path of least resistance in my psyche.

So maybe the problem lies in the method of relationship inception. I've been stagnating in direct approaches instead of pursuing the organic - whereby just interacting with the people around me, I've met the people I've been with in that moment, or years down the line. There is space to breathe, removing the expectation for something immediate, to allow for the diffusion of personalities, opinions, interests, desires.

I don't think the level of my requirements is off base by any means. They are the qualities of a great companion. And I expect that would make me content. And though it might take a while, I see that fondness growing into something more - what can I say, proximity makes the heart grow fonder? Pft. No, but maybe given that route, it is possible that never develops - from either side. It would be very easy to use that little bit of distance to keep myself from getting hurt. And in doing so, I'd leave myself mentally/emotionally on my own, in an alone-in-a-crowd kind of way.

I can't say I'd see myself doing that. Despite my inclination for solo time, I am hyper aware of physical proximity and emotional distance - I inevitably seek intimacy, even at times where I should hold myself back...

Desire. Strong feeling of wanting to have something.
Desired. Yearned or wished for; coveted.
Desirable.

Unlike needs, desires are what push us to actions beyond survival. To be desirable, to be wanted not for income or food, is kind of an amazing thing. It means that someone wants you to exist as you are - ok, probably with a few tweaks - not because of any baser instincts like genetic legacy.

And desire absolutely has many shades (50 Shades of Desire totally sounds like a much better book doesn't it?) and flavors. Overtime it can take on different tones. It has a mutable context, outside of function or necessity, filled by the energy of each moment, phase of life, and history.

I want to be desired.
Perhaps better put, I want to desire in return.