I'm Back!

Hi!

I'm back! Ok, I mean yes another post after basically a year (happy 2024 >.> ), but more importantly, I'm back in Chicago!

Reality Check

Hey.

Mangos

 Hi.

It didn't start out as a lonely day.

Calling my friends, calling my family, talking like things are normal.

And then I had the mangos. Nothing special - just eating a few mangos. I've done this several times before. I've had them with my mom and my dad. I had them with my brother.

And then I had them alone.

And that's when the day was different. That was when the day turned lonely.

Slightly drowning

Hi.

This semester has been a bit different than before. Yes I'm vastly enjoying the course material of Neuro-anatomy. Yes I'm using most of the study techniques that I was attempting to develop in the fall. But the biggest difference is the monster exam and prep coming up in the late spring.

I'm behind on the book reading for the courses. I haven't finalized a personal statement to garner a recommendation. I'm avoiding reaching out to a mentor who specifically has been taking time to work through things with me.

The pressure of the failure is building. It's starting to overshadow my confidence in neuroanatomy. I'm falling into old habits. And the list of what I should be doing is building. Exercise, meditation, communication, stress management.

I'm slightly drowning.

I guess I'll just keep swimming?

Lost and Found

Hi!!!

And before you ask, no, the new background is not a stock photo or something I googled. It was taken on a mid-October trip to San Diego... I swear, that place still doesn't seem for real...

Because my patience does not extend to providing a year in review, I'll get right to the post. ^_^

Bonding

Hi.

Even though it's the start of November, I love how we've been graced with beautiful 70 degree weather. Welcome fall much? (don't even get me started on the post-Halloween rush for a certain end of year holiday...)

Of course that is when I am graced with the flu. But before I succumbed to the worst of the symptoms, I managed to have my first grown-up get-together.

Now don't get too excited, it was just a small potluck with a couple of my co-workers that live nearby. And I don't exactly have the largest place. I think realistically, I could have 8 people over at the most?

But regardless, it was actually a successful night. I honestly didn't think everyone would stay as long as they did (especially for a work night). But the evening lasted 3 hours and I wasn't even the one who suggested a repeat performance - albeit at another's apartment next time.

[Oh and in case you're wondering, I made spiced apple cider, black beans and rice + fresh salsa, and spicy drinking chocolate for dessert. Yeah, there was definitely a spiced theme.]

Scary Thrills

Hi.

Hmmm... what to write about... Well, let's see - Halloween is coming up next weekend, so why not talk about things that scare...

Ever since I saw my first thriller as a little sixth grader, I've pretty much avoided horror movies. And considering that it was the original Mummy... well it's a classic, but it's not necessarily the worst of the bunch.

And considering it gave me nightmares for a week, well I'm seriously a light weight when it comes to them. Something about the movie with the suspense of not knowing what doom is coming, yet knowing that come it will, wigs me out like nothing else. And the only reason it actually gets worse? The music. If I had to watch it without the music, I think I'd be quite fine actually.

But essentially, horror movies = my ultimate scare.

On the other hand, haunted houses? Let's just stay startling me with a person dressed as a scary person - I'm gonna notice the cool costume. I mean, I think if they upped the ante and really went into the macabre and gore? Yeah, you'll get them.

Otherwise, haunted houses are really the funniest thing in the world for me - people's reactions are great. Which is exactly what I learned last night at my first set of haunted houses. I was greatly amused the entire time ^_^.

So next time? Startle me, you'll get a blink, or possibly a small flinch. Cause the only way to really scare me, is to make me watch a scary movie.

So maybe don't? :D

Happy scaring!

And I'm back

Hi. Hello. Yello. Hola.

I'm back! I've officially moved (not officially unpacked...) to my new cute downtown Chicago apartment and I'm excited! I mean sure, the past weekend and this I've been stuck unpacking and working and all that... but my new place is more my size and I've got plans to start exploring more - it definitely helps that it's not basically dead outside by 9 or 10pm ^_^.

[potential pictures for sharing on the horizon?]

Expresso

Hi!

Aite, let's forget introductions and get to good stuff!

Zombified

Hi.

Sitting in my living room, I notice that the room is bathed in a bright glow of sun light. All I want to do is head right out and feel the wind and the moving of life around me while soak up up the sun.

Not that it's going to happen.

It's been ages since there was sun, and most of it while I'm stuck in or rushing to work - it doesn't even linger when I finally get to head home.

Darkness, wind chill, freezing my ass off.

So instead of soaking up the sunlight on a relatively free weekend, I'm stuck struggling to force myself to run my errands and chores.

Isn't it great when sunshine suddenly becomes the fucking bane of my day...

And now we return to your regularly scheduled post

New Years Wishes

Hi.

As usual, I sent out my "Facebook" ignoring text blast to wishing a joyous new year to a selection of folks in my address book.

It is always a process (not in small part for the actual scrolling through contacts and writing texts - a max of 20 people per message) to decide which people get the text. And because life changes, that list ends up changing year to year.

I don't begrudge giving people a felicitation, because there is never an excess of good thoughts. But it always is an experiment on who replies - or should I say, who still recognizes your phone number.

Here's to a wonderful new year full of new and renewed connections.

Coincidence

Hi.

I know that it isn't Sunday, but it's kind of awesome that my current song on repeat is currently being used as the main "action" song in the newest episode of Person of Interest.

I won't give away too many details in case any of you watch the show... 

Essentially the start of every potential scenario the Machine evaluates begins with the awesome tunes of Fortune Days. Along with the clever decision of the plot for this episode, the use of this song kinda makes my day.

And considering that the song is my current jam on repeat, I'm really enjoying today's episode ^_^.

Looking back

Hi.

As we come to the end of the year (and the start of the fourth year of this blog), I decided to take a casual glance at some of the aspects of my blog, commenting, re-read older posts, viewing stats and the like. What's always interesting is what I rediscover about why I made certain decisions on formatting or posting styles and in fact what I've written about in the past.

A big thing I noticed, is that I didn't always write these monstrously long posts (or at least what it seems like). Sure my formatting was a bit atrocious - really packed paragraphs that didn't really lend well to reading conversational pieces - but the actual content did not seem to drag on.

It makes sense that when I started the blog, there was a larger range of topics I wanted to talk about (fresh ideas, new attempt, etc). But now, I have a more defined post format - which isn't a good or bad thing, just less spontaneous in nature - and I became more personally reflective after the first couple months. It is also getting easier to tie subjects together.

I rediscovered why I introduce every post with "Hi." and I can say that maybe that reasoning no longer applies as much: I'm getting better at making introductions to each post for sure.

I realize that I did explain the original title Eclipsed [blogged under the post Powerful Words] but did not do the same for Spelunking. So at some point I might rectify that - unless I change the name yet again ^_^.

Looking back, it's hard to say what my favorite posts were - I think the joy of it really comes from seeing that others have read them and knowing that they enjoyed reading them or synced with them, mainly when they comment on the posts. *hint hint nudge nudge - I'm telling you guys to comment more :P*

As an attempt at interacting with my readers - I ask you to tell me what your favorite posts were or what posts synced the most with you!


And now some Florence:


Just a quick update: I realize with working during the week, I don't always get a chance to sit down and write (but it might be easier with a little gadget I've picked up so we'll see about that ^_^). So I think I'll save the posts up and post them all together on Sundays - you know if there are any posts at all to put up :P.

A slightly unfortunate thing will be that they are listed in the reverse order that I post them. So I'll try not to reference them too heavily or I'll just reorganize the order they go up by changing the time stamps ^_^.

More stories to share

Hello!

Hopefully you are enjoying the winter like season. Thankfully, the polar vortex only hit Chicago after my birthday, which meant I did not have to freeze my ass when I went out (though the super puffy winter jacket was pulled out of the closet for that night - I'd rather not shiver my way through the night thank you ^_^).

I'd like to share that one of my friends has started a blog to share her, shall we say, mis-adventures with the online and offline Indian dating scene. Her blog is here: How Not to Date a Desi Girl. Knowing that I'm entering that scene, it's quite scary just how many duds there are out there. I wish her all the best!

Never let me go

Hi.

So it turns out that I completely didn't plan to write this post. But hey, I think it was time for one of those again right? And at some point I'll totally get to finishing the ones I was actually thinking about writing. ^_^

It was really a coincidence of a few things that led me to this post:

1. I was driving back home on my own
2. It was night time
3. Stars were visibly out
4. The song playing on the stereo

Somehow this took me back to poignant memories and thrills, only to make stark just how much the now differed from the before.

I've always loved driving. Especially when I get to gun the engine and take things a little over the top. Cranked up music, endless winding roads, being one with the car and all that. But my favorite part? Driving at night.

To me there is always something somewhat magical about driving at night, with clear skies and clear roads. In fact, there need not be any music at all. It's a little hard for me to explain this well, since it's just a sense of being that fills up inside me. I even recall a post I had considered way back when to gush about that very thing.

But if I could use words to roughly translate the feeling... There's this vast road like a vast world, but the world is really small cause it's just the space in your car, and there's this kind of peace and the almost hypnotic lighting overhead. Like the world is passing you by, but the sky is still there above you (ok, that's you know relativity and all that but moving on)... It's really just you but you're snug and warm - cuddled in the embrace of your car. And you feel almost overcome but so calm like you can't breathe but you haven't breathed so deeply before...

Ok that's about as much as I can get across without going into physical gestures or making even less sense, and I'm not even sure if that would work.

Now, if we really go back, you could say that maybe my enjoyment is rooted in my childhood - when we often too road trips all over the place.

There was always something quiet about being on the road at night. Most of the rest of the car was usually asleep - which meant the music had probably finished, or was only softly playing through the car's speakers. And there was this un-named sense that filled me (you know probably the same thing I tried to describe above).

And on the occasions we pulled out the Dodge Grand Caravan (RIP), and the rare occasions I'd have that clear sky, I'd push back the back seat of the car to lie back and watch the unreachable black canvas above. Somehow, I'd always get this immeasurable joy and peace - like somehow everything was ok.

So of course it was no shock that I'd get hit with this nostalgia driving home. But I can't say I expected the sudden emptiness beside me.
That what was missing was the person to share this with.
That absence of warmth surrounding me.

All over

Ok no time for greetings. Let's amend that last one asap.

No music and no white wine. Even if the last glass goes to waste.
(ok well, that's actually not going to happen, so maybe I just finish it in one fell swoop so that I don't extend the side effects to another sitting...)

>.<

All over

Hi.

I need to stop watching/reading romantic things. It keeps getting me waaaay too far into things that I shouldn't when things haven't gone anywhere.

Slow. I needs to take it slow. I mean not cut everything off, but slow is good. Taking things as they go without jumping the gun is good.

Only unfortunate thing? It's everywhere. And I mean, everywhere.

Ok guys, this is going to be hard.

Just a yearning

I find myself drawn towards that smile. It's like I'm willing to do anything for it. I want to be the source of that smile, be it through wit, joy, or frivolity. It pulls at me inside, but I don't know why. This can't be appropriate. 

I want to be its focus - the sun to its planet. I want to bask in its warmth, like sunshine after weeks of stormy skies, and burrow into its cozy heat.

I think I've been down the this road before, and I shouldn't be misled - no, drawn in - again. This is no lurid confession.

It's a symptom of an underlying condition.

It's just a yearning.

Just a yearning.

Realize

Hi.

There come moments in your life when you reach conclusions that affect your sense of the world - your sense of your own being. You can call them epiphanies, and on occasion I might agree with you.

But what I refer to are the thoughts that bring you to certain crossroads, whereupon you find satisfaction or strive to gain it. These aren't necessarily major life decisions. It could be the actual enactment of a resolution to say change your wardrobe or to hold to a dietary guideline. It could also be realizing that you are truly happy without a high ranked job position or the recognition of what you truly believe in.

I think it is freeing.

Our brains are very astonishing organs, and have the capacity for multitasking that we probably never think to realize - probably because we end up thinking so much in general (not that we necessarily think upon profound philosophy and research). But when we reach one of those conclusions, it almost seems as though we have collected and unified thousands of insignificant thoughts and observations into a single bodied summation. By doing so, we are relieving our brains of the strain caused by having such thoughts occurring regularly.

In the same way, any actions we take also relieve that strain. Sure physiologically, actions are achieved through "labor" which requires the effort of the muscles and so releases hormones that soothe the neurons. But I mean actions are relieving because an action is a way of manifesting our thoughts, or transmitting them into the external world. And by doing so, we are removing the "weight" of them from our minds.

Therefore, through either method, we are able to reach a calm or balance within the realm of our minds.

Of course there is nothing scientific about these conjectures - in fact I could simply have forced this theory by fitting the supporting arguments to suit my need. After all this is my own understanding (having come to certain conclusions of my own), and you are all so kind to even acknowledge their existence (in case you missed it, I am saying thank you for reading, I appreciate it).

But I have no doubt that what ever conclusions or resolutions have occurred, I do note that a sense of relief. After all, they do say that stress affects the body's physiology, and any decrease in the harmful brand is only a good thing. And though the manifestations of stress can be observed, how stress affects them is a complex and not very well understood mechanism (it's not as if the complexities of stress we experience in our lives can be simply observed in an experimental setting - there are too many variables!).

So until the time when stress can be quantified and qualified, I shall remain happy with my theory. Because in the end, me being happy with this theory means I am more inclined to share, and in this case, it definitely means sharing my own conclusions. And this little blurb here, is my wonderfully long segue into those.

Obviously though, there is more than one, and as it is, I am currently reaching the end of a series of thoughts. So as you might guess, these conclusions will appear in a separate post. But fear not, you will know them when you see them, and this time I won't lead you on with a second attempt at introduction. You'll just get it raw ^_^.


So anyways, too-da-loo for now. I'll leave you with a cheesy sorta song, which really just has a keyword in its title, but hey feel free to make inferences on how the lyrics might be applied to the content of this post (I might already be... argh, my brain...). Tschuss!

P.S.: I might actually be in the mood to write thanks to having just finished reading The Mistborn trilogy by Brandon Sanderson. An integral part of the text is a repeating motif of biographic writings - journals or personal diaries if you will - all with a prophetic kind of voice to them, as they believed or came to understand their own martyr-like roles. It's a great series, and I definitely recommend it as an awesome read.

Nostalgia

Hi.

Just press play! ^_^

It's odd just how much today made me miss being an undergrad. Ok, well maybe not odd - maybe it's more of a "how did I not see that glaringly obvious fact" feeling.

Today was one of those quirks of winter, where the sky was cloudless, the wind a gentle breeze, and the sun was the embrace of a long lost friend. It led to a mutual commiseration with my brother, bemoaning our distance from a college campus.

It's days like this one that all you want to do is soak up the sunlight, letting the breeze cool the harsh rays - the fickle warmth of spring amidst the winter snows. And somehow a university campus feels like it is just made for that kind of quiet observation. As if a park, every where is your bench or cot, any path is yours to stroll - it is being alone but comforted by the passing, indifferent presence of those with their own schedules to follow.

For me it's a time to empty my head, and just recharge on the sunlight. Pop in my iPod, leave behind all my bags at home and either pick a spot, or just follow a snail's pace where ever fancy leads me.

But somehow leaning back in my backyard seemed a cheap imitation - maybe because I missed the sound of the breeze ruffling the leaves or the sound of any kind of life in the background. Or maybe it's because I'm used to having a view :P.

Why didn't I realize I missed these kind of days? I think it may be due to the fact that all the factors that contribute to that feeling come up less frequently, and my need for them is satisfied for a long period post-recharge. And over the last handful of months, I've been going through withdrawal - mentally torturing myself with memories of all the campuses I've done just that.

But when it comes down to it, I'll take what I can get - a chance to soak up sunlight. Maybe it makes me a little sad for settling for the glamorous few of the weed filled hill in my backyard (not that I had to look at it of course - sunglasses plus some shut eye does the trick :P). Maybe it should motivate me to get out of the house and enjoy these days like I really should.

Whatever it is, I guess I'll be as content as a baby (who's full ^_^) as long as I take advantage of the opportunites to soak up some sunshine.


P.S.: Today's songs were a few from today's sun recharge playlist ^_^. The last one is my favorite out of the three, so I hope you listen to them all!