Recently, I've found myself returning again to a certain query... Is it really that hard for a guy to sweep a girl off her feet? And of course, I've been considering it as it applies to myself.
When I read the occasional fluff book (romance novel >.<), I see the simple little things these gallant men just happen to do, or the way they take the heroine's breath away. And I wonder what it'd be like to have my breath taken away by something that a guy has done for me. My thoughts lead me straight to one day in German back in highschool, when our teacher decided that we would all learn how to polka during class. There was the one kid I thought was cute who couldn't dance with a partner for the life of him. Ultimately dancing with him was a combination of boredom on my part and much grumbling frustration on his. The frustration probably due to a combination of, well, frustration at not being able to get the dance, and annoyance that I was showing him how to dance and that I was attempting to lead him. My next partner was that little awkward kid, kinda gangly and geeky, but not really smart enough to be considered a geek. So of course dancing with him was a little awkward just like him. Don't get me wrong, he knew the dance well enough... but he just didn't have... let's just say he was a little bony ^_^. And then out of nowhere, there was this kid who not only knew how to do the dance, he knew how to lead. I remember the way it felt like I was floating and being carried through the dance in his strong arms (I do not refer to the actual musculature here, but a feeling of strength or confidence). In fact, he danced so well that we were asked to demonstrate to the rest of the class just exactly how a polka should look. And sure I can dance, but without the guy leading the dance, well... it wouldn't have worked quite so well. Looking back at that memory, I figure, that's what being swept off my feet should feel like. And I think to myself, I can't imagine anyone doing that to me...
Why is that? Frankly, it's from past experience.
Now just to clarify, I love being a confident and independent woman. And I definitely don't need a guy to take over my entire life. I'm just saying, that a breathless moment here or there wouldn't be such a bother. That being said, I definitely didn't consider myself to be quite as confident as I am at the present. Why even just 3 or 4 years ago, I wasn't the vivacious character I am now. But my journey to this confidence isn't what I'd like to point. 3 or 4 years ago, had you asked my approach to dealing with a crush or some form of attraction, I would fidget and say I'd wait for the guy to ask me. And it was a romantic, albeit naive, stance in the matter. Now I've reached a point where I feel confident enough to ask a guy out, or "make the first move." To be honest, I think that guys will take way too long to make a move, and when they do, they tend to botch things up and leave them unanswered or unresolved. This leads me to my first point of disappointment in - let's call it 'gutless' - guys: ask the damn girl out.
Referring to the dance analogy, the guy just needs to know the steps. It's really a simple thing. You like a girl, she kinda maybe likes you, so come out and ask her. I have to say that till about last year, I had yet to meet a guy who knew what to do when asking me out. Now I use the phrase 'asking me out' very loosely, for it wasn't quite that. In fact, you could actually call them more of a confession (often portrayed in several Japanese comics of grade school romance). The first example comes from middle school. I was in my tomboy phase (really an anti frilly-girly-clothing phase), and there was a geeky little kid I had a crush on, who in a typical immature boy behavior, made fun of the girl he liked, me. And when did he come out and tell me he liked me? Five years and two girlfriends later. Sure it was middle school, and what romance could happen at that age? Regardless, there was nothing I wanted do with his confession; I had moved on years ago.
Moving closer to the present, I had made a guy friend in orientation freshman year. About a year later, he gathers his courage to leave me a voice message saying he liked me, and he just wanted to let me know, because it had been weighing heavily on his mind. So how do I respond? The only way I could think of: "I'm flattered, I don't see you in that way..." Now in my head this kid is equivalent to a teddy bear... a pretty cute teddy bear, and I had already contemplated the idea of going out with him. But that confession left me going: what am I supposed to do with the fact that you like me? Had he told me in person and followed it up by asking me out on a date, I would have probably agreed and who knows where we'd be right now. It was as if he expected me to do something about his confession. Isn't he the one professing his feelings for me? So shouldn't he be the one responsible for acting on them? Why did he hand me the lead? I realize this makes me seem like some sort of bitch for being so callous, but why were the reins handed to me when I didn't ask for them in the first place?
Moving on to the next gutless guy point: just because you stop talking doesn't mean it goes away. In dance words, even if you've stepped on her foot or crashed her into something, ignoring it doesn't make the physical pain go away. I've found that as I start to get to know a guy that I'm slightly interested in, I'm really just taking my time to actually get to know them. There is definitely nothing serious going on at that stage, because you are learning about the other person. It's how you figure out whether or not there is something worth pursuing. In contrast, I have met with guys that some how manage to jump the gun, thinking about the future. For example, I had just met this guy at another friend's birthday dinner. Through the following week, we happened to meet randomly over campus, and got to talking. Eventually he managed to get my number from our mutual friend and ask me out for coffee. After the date and a group trip to the movies, he suggested plans for dinner another day: he would contact me (on Tuesday) after he finished his paper for class. When Tuesday came and went with no response, I calmed down by convincing myself to wait a few days, because who knows what could have happened. By Thursday, I had completely lost my patience, and asked him what was going on. And even then I received no response in return. After more than a week I got a long text from the guy: something along the lines of not being ready for a relationship yet, but he felt bad because he still liked me. My reaction to this text was as follows:
a) Wtf?!?!?!?!?!!?!? b) We were in a relationship?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? c) What? d) We hadn't even actually gone out on a date, and it's already a relationship? Is he still in highschool? e) What is wrong with this kid?
Really, all that was needed was some sort of notification that he wasn't actually interested. If anything the entire debacle told me that this kid clearly wasn't worth any further investment, but if he had told me this sooner, I would have had closure and never even thought about it any longer. Instead I was left with a whole lot of anger at some over-dramatic gutless guy.... Which brings me to my next point: Stop creating drama where there really is none.
When you dance with a partner, you need to have a strong frame: if your frame/hold unsure and awkward, the dance will be unsure and awkward. My experiences have led me to believe that guys, under the pretext of considering others, will be indecisive about what they want. And to defend that unstable mentality, they will bring up irrelevant issues to - shall we say - misdirect the girl they are involved with. Let me set up a situation for you. Girl A is good friends with girl B. Girl B is best friends with girl C. Girl A is acquainted with girl C. Girl A meets guy Z at girl B's party (girl C is present). After getting to know guy Z, girl A finds from girl B that girl C used to date guy Z. So girl A backs off the flirting for the night. A few days later, guy Z establishes a line a communication with girl A, soon they are talking either through text messaging or phone calls almost everyday. Now it's not just friendly conversation. There is a definite undertone of flirting, with some moments of blatant displays of attraction. But any mention of there potentially being something serious going on between the two, guy Z brings up his worry that any serious relationship with girl A (even just talking to girl A as they were) would ruin girl A's relationship with girl B or girl C. He feels the girl code dictates that one should not date another's boyfriend without permission. Girl A on the other hand, doesn't understand why he brings this up (he is a guy) and she doesn't even know girl C very well. So to her this "girl code" does not apply. As the time continues, this distraction of the girl code is guy Z's excuse not to visit girl A or let girl A visit him. His one concession is that she may visit him, as long as no one knows about the visit. And after she did visit him, guy Z gradually stopped communicating with girl A: embracing the second gutless guy topic. With this situation, you find a guy who is attracted to a girl, but is so on the fence about being with anyone (despite the commitment he has clearly made by talking to her every night), that he uses irrelevant drama as an excuse not to further a relationship. If the girl is completely fine with the status of the "girl code" why should the guy worry about it for her, especially when she says she doesn't think it applies to her?
There are many other points on gutless guys I could explain for you, but I fear it may slowly distract you from the original point of this post ^_^. Also, on the other hand, you may not even understand where I am coming from with these examples. But their primary purpose is to explain to you how my experiences have slowly broken down my innocent idea that a guy will sweep the girl he likes off of his feet. Like recently for instance. I found myself in a situation where I make all the advances. Sure I enjoy that level of control: I get to set the pace to what I like. But even when it comes to the little things, like how we kiss, I find myself fully in control of it (though there was this one time... ^_^). True, it depends on the personality of the guy. And hey if they don't have do any work to get something, why wouldn't they go with it? Yet, I despise the fact that at times I am in such control of my faculties (where I could be thinking about something else at the time), in a situation that should have me enjoying the sensations. Now I'm not saying that I never get into the mood - if it's with someone you like, the mood happens easy enough. The difference I am highlighting can be simply put: kissing someone versus being kissed by someone.
Let me remind you as I said before, never do I say that I want the guy to take control over every aspect of a relationship. That completely undermines the intelligence of the girl, and the fact that women are independent beings in this society. It's all about that one dance, that occasional kiss, that one date.
For those of you who are romantics and think about love more readily than I do, I do not believe that love is a requirement when being swept off your feet. I have never thought so, because coming to the point of love is a long journey to me. You may find yourself in "sympatico" with someone very quickly, or highly attracted to someone, but to come to love someone requires much more time and effort. And practically, to have to wait for that to happen means having to wait for that right person to be swept off your feet. And I think that being romanced like that has very little to do with the emotions that you feel for each other (aside from a basic 'I like you'). It's the mood of the day, or the set up of the situation - it's the right amount of confidence from a guy. Remember how I mentioned what I thought being swept away would feel like? How do you get that? When the guy not only knows the dance (you both know that you like each other) but also has the confidence to dance and lead the girl, THAT is when you get your moment.
So ultimately, despite the fact that my experiences have hardened me about relationships, I still find a small part of me still holds out for the possibility of being swept away. And I really hope that I will still have that feeling in the future, regardless of what disappointments may attempt to crush it into oblivion.
For this especially long post, I have 2 songs for you:
As the cynic I am with the lyrics that strike a note within me, by the ever amazing Maroon 5:
And from the musical era of the true romantics, fueling the small hope that still lives within me, my man Louis Armstrong with:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IJzYAda1wA
P.S.: I also have added a page that keeps track of the song of the day (as they don't always coincide with the songs in each post!)
P.S.: I also have added a page that keeps track of the song of the day (as they don't always coincide with the songs in each post!)
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