Just leave me be...

Hi.

So I realize it's been a few days since my last post, though if you've kept up with my previous posts, you would know it is from my birthday celebrations ^_^. So of course, I've been a little busy preparing for my party, recovering from said party, going out dancing, waiting for my family to visit, going out with family, hanging out watching movies, going to class, and finally salsa dancing! But amid all this celebrating and revelry, I found myself wanting to be alone.

I don't mean alone in necessarily the traditional sense. Think of nothing, show no expression, feel no emotion, worry about nothing or no one. It could be in the midst of a crowd or just me and nature. The main requirement only being that there are no requirements of me to be involved socially. It's not that I don't enjoy socializing, and being energetic, but that is only one facet of who I am. In fact, I am prone to being a solitary person. I think it's why I enjoyed dancing or being on a dance team. When I was dancing, it was just about the performance or the dancing itself. Not about what other people thought of how I did, or what someone might say if I did something. It was just me and my dance. It's in this way, I want to be alone.

What brought this up, is really the reactions of people who have just met me. They have met me just this past September, so their idea as to who I am is some sort of hyper-active, overly energetic character. But I feel disappointed in that analysis. It is really taxing when I am expected to be that person at all times, and at the hint of disappearance of that personality, something is vitally wrong. You might read this and think that I'm complaining about people caring about me. But it's not the caring that really gets to me. It's the fact that after they ask if I'm ok (and I mention that I'm alright), they still whisper and wonder if something is terribly wrong with me.

For example, on occasion, I enjoy just soaking up the sunlight. It's a little quirk about myself, that my mood can easily be affected by the amount of sunlight I absorb. Even if I'm having a shitty day, or my mood is in the gutter, just the feeling of the sun on my skin lifts my mood. It's like I'm recharging. So as might be expected, there are days when I just like to enjoy the feeling of being in the sun. I don't have the urge to interact with other people (though I find others' presence comforting). So when it's pointed out that I'm being 'emo' so that everyone notices, and then I'm forced to 'join' the group, it tends to piss me off. Let me just chill with my damn sunlight!

A different time this sort of feeling settles on me is when I get drunk. So you know how some people get really loud, confident, sleepy, angry, and the like once they intake a certain amount of alcohol? Well I'm part of the group who gets sleepy and introspective. Depending on how the alcohol affects me, the sleepiness may or may not occur immediately. But on the occasion, when I can feel my head spinning when I close my eyes, I'll start turning away from interacting with people and exist in my own bubble. I start to think about all the shit that I still have to work through in my life, and I tend to erase the presence of other people because in my mind, I am alone. I appreciate the voiced concerns, but really, I'm fine.

And then, there are just those times when I have shit going on in my life and I can't stand to interact with people who are happy and carefree at that moment. So I just want to sit in a corner and wallow and pity myself. Yes, sometimes I'd like to forget about my troubles and be carefree, but sometimes I just can't put on a happy face, or forget about my problems.

I do understand that to a certain extent, this problem is my fault. I tend to hide the fact that I sometimes don't want to be interacting with people and put up a happy facade. It just simply is easier to avoid having questions asked as to why do I look sad, or why I'm sitting off on my own. Maybe that stems from the fact that I'm a private person. I don't want to tell you my reasons behind my mood, so I'll pretend that I'm ok. And maybe it's also because I'm not that great at relaying my inner most thoughts in a cohesive manner. Not only are those thoughts jumbled and all over the place, but they have also never been voiced. I mean sure I write a blog, but these posts have been brainstormed, written or even scrapped because they are too all over the place. So like a defense, I put up this mask of happiness to fend off the probing questions.

In the end, all I can say is that I get moody. I have no reason or rhyme for why it happens or when it happens, but when it does, I really do want to be alone. Regardless if it's my birthday party celebration and I'm the host, or if I am hanging out with people while going to a local Greek festival. And hey, it is my birthday, so just for once, I didn't want to have to act OK or happy. I didn't want to have to put up the mask all the way through it. There is nothing anyone else can do about it, but don't force yourself on me in the attempt to try and help. And for God's sake, please don't assume that you know what is bugging me or occupying my mind during these moods. Frankly you know nothing about what is going on in my head. There is a list of people that might get a hint of what is being processed there, and even then they don't know the exact details. And for the love of everything in this world, please don't try to interfere and "fix" what's going on, because more often than not, you'll get on my nerves and sour my mood. And that is one of the few things that will trigger my anger. Not my annoyance, my anger, which is much more rare and volatile.

So sometimes, I'd really appreciate it if you would just leave me be...


From the album that often accompanies me through my pensive states of mind, floating me away from the present:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQbTSyKEORE