Homeward Bound

Hi.

To change things up a bit, I am sharing this music at the start, in the hopes you will listen to it as you read this post:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab8FhRBwpEo

I'm home for Thanksgiving break today. It's the usual running errands for my mother, cleaning up the house, attending the functions just to spend time with family. I don't necessarily hate it - I mean I love being with my family. It's just that I look into the future when I do come home, as I try to figure out my life, and I don't think I'd be able to live more than just a few weeks at home like that. I've grown accustomed to living for myself, running my own household (apartment really): cooking, cleaning, socializing all on my own terms, at my own pace. It isn't about trying to live with people aside from myself. It is more about trying to merge my life as a dependent high-schooler with the person I am now: someone who has lived away from the home I grew up, building my own social network, getting to know the area I live.

I've grown up in a household run by my mother. She was the queen of that realm, and I appreciate it. In fact, I emulate her in many positive ways, and have taken her as the example for my actions while I live away from home: being a good host, cooking food in the same manner (there are no measurements guys, it's handfuls and pinches ^_^), and even when it comes to decor. So the problem comes when I have no unquestionable authority over what I do in my home.

In my apartment, I am the decorator. The place looks the way I want it to. Granted, I live with 2 other girls, but as long as nothing is too awkward, they give me range to move furniture the way I choose. When it comes to cooking, I do the grocery shopping, and I make my food. Yes, I have food from home, but it's up to my discretion as to whether or not I'll be eating it. Cleaning doesn't happen every two weeks. It happens when I get the urge to clean (not the best strategy, but it provides enough motivation for me to get the job done). I don't own the place, but it's my home - something that bugs the hell out of my mother when I mention it.

The biggest point about me living "on my own" is my social network. I've built connections with a lot of people, and I have come to know the area. I know how to drive places. I know how to drive like I've lived there my entire life. When my folks come visit me, I give the directions, no GPS required. I know the places to hang out and the places to go out. I have a niche of people who I jive with and have made my own social circle, where hanging out till 4am is acceptable, and no one is there to judge an early morning walk back into the apartment. In fact, it's a group of people that know me for what I've become. They don't have pre-destined grudges or judgments on my character - so I can be myself in full. And it has taken me about 4 years to go about doing it.

So the thought of coming home, to a place where I have lost that sort of connection is daunting. Yes, I'd have a mode of transportation, and I know the area I grew up in. But I know it in a much different capacity. I don't know where to go if you wanted to hang out with friends my age. I know the town in the daylight. Nightlife, not so much. But that's not even the depressing part. I will no longer have that circle of people to socialize with. There are the few people who I truly regard as friends, in a community of vipers, and most of my other close friends have left home behind (just as I was so eager to leave this bubble of a hometown, moving on with their lives). Which means I'm left coexisting with the very people I was jumping to ignore and discard when I left for college. And just as the cherry on the top of this unfortunate situation, I'll be living at home. Which means no late nights without explanations or even socializing without planning it at least a week in advance. I will have to plan my social activities around those of my parents.

How do I still maintain my own life separate from those of my parents without quite literally shocking them by my behavior? Forgetting the socializing, I must entertain the notions of family members just walking into my room, or nagging to spend time with them, when I just want to curl into a corner and read fluff stories or respond to emails. Frankly I am a different person than I was when I first left home. Some changes, my family has seen. But many have yet to be revealed to them. So despite the fact that I still get to rearrange furniture in my parents house and I'm fed like a king with a different meal from a different cuisine every night, I must still tread lightly amid their feelings, as I still consider myself their child yet.


So once again, a song of an epic homecoming, for the next step I will inevitably be taking in my life (despite the fact that I won't know what groceries are in the fridge and pantry ^_^):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab8FhRBwpEo