Just click to read. I really have no patience for an introduction.
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Thanks for the notice. You want me gone - you've got it.
This post was supposed to be a self-deprecating, hard look at me and my selfish nature. Maybe this post will carry a ghost of that essence. But none that I deliberately insert.
Because I am no longer lingering in the hesitancy of sensitive feelings. Because it feels like the questions I had might just have been answered by pulling out the last bits of empathy I had left. It's entirely on you.
It just reaffirms the final decision. That it was all wrong and that the end was necessary, if not delayed. If you wanted this kind of severance you could have at least had the decency to take your "honesty is the best policy" instead of a half-assed hack at it.
Maybe you really just didn't get me, and all of this was just an exercise to rid yourself of the rose-tinted glasses you saw me through. Maybe all you saw was that first impression you had of me - that unattainable, confident, beautiful vision. And part of you never got that I can hurt. Though it's buried under a lot of dead skin, there's a soft spot that you seemed to have a direct route to - and you just never realized it.
Or perhaps you did, but the way you thought to deal with it was a feeble idea of protection. That by not speaking of it you were sparing my feelings, and shielding me from the inevitable sting. I thought you had the balls to give it to me straight. I guess I was wrong about that.
Is this what brought upon your revelation?
Things were getting hard, and you didn't want to try anymore because there was something else? Part of me hopes that this theory is wrong. But how I can not assume it? It's barely been a month. I know why I agreed with you then. But I don't really know why you did.
Is this why you let me think that we were still close despite the end?
You wanted me to think I was still a real part of your life. Sure the day to day might fall away, but we'd still share the important parts. But maybe you just wanted it all - my affection and her romance - and come out as the good guy in the end.
Is this my own lesson that I was once again wrong?
Was it wrong to believe that we were as close as if we were family? But I should know better. Family does not imply close - that is a right that is earned. And though I thought you might have earned it, you proved that there is no where for us to go from here. Because you've abandoned the very things that brought us close in the first place.
Can you believe my naivety?
I knew to pull back, because I shouldn't lean on you as much as before. In a sense I was alone again, and I accepted that. But despite a lack of participation, I tried to keep the communication. I kept initiating the contact, fighting the loneliness that crept in. So I was just so happy when for once you stood up. Happy. Right.
But I should have known, that when you're in that state, you tend to lack filters and tact. So maybe I could forgive you - if not for how it came to be revealed.
You could have just come to me straight, saying you wanted to talk. You could have understood that I can be a close friend, but that we just ended things. You could have shown me a shred of respect for what we had. But in the end you didn't.
I wonder now, if you hadn't gotten that call, would you have even told me? If she hadn't been waiting for you, would you have bothered to say a thing?
You set it up like the old days. I woke myself up to talk to you. I struggled to stay awake through those minutes you needed to get home. And it took you just that much time to show me how unlike the old times this would be.
It makes me wonder, why you texted me today. Did you have the intention of telling me this night? Is this your payback for the silence I asked you to keep? Your answers might not hold the venom of these theories. But I can't find it in me to acknowledge them. But I make no assumptions. I am simply unwilling to cater to any understanding viewpoints. And in turn I'll take what you say at face value.
Beyond the hurt and anger, I am just disappointed. I respected you more than that. "My good opinion once lost is lost forever." What a revelation - I realize a fault of mine through this that perfectly fits the words of a certain Mr. Darcy.
Is it that the way events unfolded differs from my prediction of our relationship post-break, that I feel disappointed by the disparities?
But what all of this makes me realize is that my decision a few weeks ago was correct. I bear no pain from the loss of the chance to rekindle the past flames. It is from the fraying of the close friendship we agreed we had returned to.
It is out of memory of that friendship that I will not judge you, and I will not let rampant a hate towards you. I will wait to hear what you may eventually say. I will even engage by inquiring details. I will not damper your joy. I will engage to answer my curiosity and observe the time lines and your actions. I will be that friendly ear.
But you will not receive a drop more.
I will hold you at arms length. Forget the greedy little leftovers of our past. We'd return to day 0.
If there is one thing that truly defines those who I regard close, it is their effort to keep me informed. Given the opportunity to communicate, there is an attempt to keep one another abreast of their state of being. It is a level of respect that is given to people you truly trust. I cannot bring myself to give allowances for those who do not.
Yes, this might seem to be a heavy burden, a harsh sentence. But experience makes me believe that it is a necessary understanding. And it is this understanding that separates the close from the acquaintance. Sure, in the end it leaves me with barely a handful that exist within that core ring. But it is a ring I can have an unshakable belief in.
Life is not full of smiles and rainbows (anyone who says otherwise is on something). It's easy to share something that kindles mutual feelings. There are certain things that bring pain, which are challenging to share. But whether they are said now or later, the potential for hurt will not change.
In the end, it's not about her. My feelings about her are inconsequential, especially in the light you view her.
Press pause now.
It's about respect. It's about the bottom line between you and I. I hope you'll get that. Because until you do, I'll take my step back. I'll wish you well. And I'll step back.
And now press play.
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