So this post was the easier of the next 2 posts I planned on sharing. Not sure how easy it will be, but I do have (hopefully a more relevant) soundtrack lined up. These of course are hard because they deal with the matters of the heart and a deeper inspection of the more ignored corners of my brain. Though I have an idea of what I plan to write, I have no idea the directions I will end up taking (hopefully nothing too tangential, because I hate rewriting).
And now you don't even have to press play!
I think I am an emotional coward.
Sure I can be quick to anger or frustration. But when it comes to sentiment it gets weird. I find that when I am edging toward crying, I immediately tamp the tears down under a calm expression - even when I'm alone. It's like aside from the fast-burning ones, I avoid acknowledging any serious emotions.
I know I qualify myself a love cynic, but part of me wonders if that's just a prop to hide behind facing any of those emotions face on.
But what really makes me think that I am a "coward" is that I tend to rush in for the sake of enjoyment in the moment and realize later. What can I say, ignorance can be bliss. I can't deny that I have refused to analyze my own feelings on occasion because I wasn't sure how to or because I didn't want to have to define them.
And if anything I realize that it has consequences. The main one I've seen is that it hurts.
Of course it hurts me. I know this, because I've had to deal with unexpected pitfalls, un-addressed regrets, sometimes denial (which means more stress in general), and the knowledge I've inadvertently hurt others.
I am no veteran when it comes to relationships. I'm officially a noob. It means that I don't know what's going to hurt and what's going to sting when it comes to the close kind.
I haven't talked about these kind of hurts to anyone. In fact it probably frustrated some people to no end that I didn't.
I could say that experiencing new things is what lets us grow. So sure I can take the stings in stride. But it scared me that I couldn't walk off the hurts. It scared me worse that I was not as emotionally strong as I thought.
I read the lyrical ballads and prose on heartache and heartbreak, but I had understood only in an academic sense. I found out first hand some of those words, cliche as they seem - your chest aching, the inability to work, a teary disposition, a mind-numbing shock. Just describing those symptoms almost throws me back into that very behavior.
So sure, call these experiences something to make you grow. But if there is one thing I know about pain, is that they body knows how to forget. As it is, I can't recall the details of any events (if it was a sting, I tend to remember them with more clarity). All I can recall is a blurry haze of emotion that destroyed any analytic thinking - a memory that is in and of itself receding from my memory.
And it doesn't help that I've been reluctant to review or discuss these moments. It is absolutely because I feared reliving the pain of that moment. Now it's reached a point that even if I was inclined to be candid about it (which I am not due to a lingering feeling of shame or embarrassment), I can't because I don't remember everything.
Even when it comes to discussing what I remember, I'm held back by a fear of revealing something so personal that shows my vulnerability. I think it is because I feel the need to be in control and this is something that's terrifyingly out of my hands.
Considering all these hurts and regrets and denials, I did find a common denominator - rejection.
Any pain or prick came from a feeling of rejection. At one point it shocked me how quickly the onset of the pain happened (so fast I am sure I missed 90% of the conversation post onset).
When it came to regrets, I feared the potential rejection. And of course, that is basically me doing the rejection for the other party. It's funny because in a lot of ways I lack filters and speak boldly. But I always hesitate. It's like I'm fearing the feeling of having a crush thrown back in your face, as if it is beneath attention or worth.
And the denials were either my attempt to ignore rejection, or the rejection I would have to enact. It is quite interesting what fancies and day dreams you can extrapolate from a few insignificant actions. I realized that when someone is close to me, I cannot bear hurting someone with rejection. If I do reject unintentionally, it breaks my heart that I have. I think I have always felt like this, but because I had not truly experienced it in a drastic way, I did not recognize it. But now I notice it much more.
Rejection is the source of my emotional cowardice. It sounds so simple to put it like that. As if that's all there is to it. And the solution is obvious - build the inner strength to face it and embrace the full depth and truth of my emotions. Simple solution to a simple problem. Right.
But I probably haven't gotten much past the surface of my fear - the other sources or the complex webs they weave when combined. Like for instance, my issues with trust.
I've mentioned my insecurity with sharing every aspect of my life. You can analyze that as an inability to trust someone to accept me with all my shameful secrets (for various reasons). And it could also be derived from an ingrained compulsion to exhibit perfection. All these are factors the feedback into a hesitancy to fully open up to one person, to really get close to someone.
And that control over my thoughts and feelings only seems to help me avoid getting the scars that let me overcome facing my fear of rejection, forget getting close to someone.
I feel this creeping terror as the pressure seems to rise for me to find a husband from the home front. That person is going to an intimate part of your life, and I may not be able to trust them to show the vulnerable side of myself - especially because it can me a long time to trust. And if I can't find myself trusting anyone to that extent, how will I ever confidently chose a partner for life?
Ok, I am getting better at showing my vulnerable/pathetic side - I've shown it, a handful of times... I guess it doesn't help that I am just that used to keeping most people at a distance. But frankly, it seems to be slow growth. Does this mean I'm just not ready to be in a relationship? Or is this supposed to be a learn-on-the-job kinda gig? And do I really have that much time to work through all the mistakes and still have the stamina to move forward when things don't work out?
I can get lost thinking of hypothetical outcomes, failures, fears and the like. So let's bring it back to the beginning. I think I am an emotional coward, and I don't really know what active steps I can take to fix it. I personally think it is something I should work on. But how much can I really do? And how much of it depends on finding the person who lets me - makes me - face this head on? Should I really have to leave it in the hands of someone else?
Now if I've judged this right, you should either be listening to or almost reaching the final song. I hope that I do get to discuss this with some of you in real time, because I could sure use another viewpoint/opinion. I leave you now to a final adieu from Swedish House Mafia.
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