A realize of the past

Hi.

I wrote this a while back, when I was trying to figure out how to describe my feelings about a relationship. I can say that I remember the sentiment I was writing with, but I can also say for sure that I would no longer take this sort of kind or considerate approach. Maybe it's the way things happened after it ended that gave me perspective.

But what I did like about this piece is the way I am reminded of the giddy blush of a deliciously wonderful feeling of being precious. It's probably what made me take the path I ended up moving down. Honestly I miss it. I know he's not the one who's meant to give it to me. Yet, having experienced it, I don't think I'll be satisfied with a relationship devoid of it. (Of course I won't get into the cynical mutterings of my darker self that mutters on about how I may have to settle for something less than that, but hey this post isn't one to think about that).

So I hope you enjoy this little excerpt of what was to be the second segment of a ridiculously long "two in one" post.


Realize

It is only through experience that you can truly understand what you need. It is only through those pathways that you can understand who you are. Because despite any preconceived notions you may have, it is only through the test of reality you can find whether they stand true.

It seems to me that at a certain point, I have found myself claiming someone as mine. And I find myself territorial and itching to stake a public claim. But there still seems to be this high conflict within me stopping me from taking that very step.

If I look back, I don't understand clearly how this came to pass (the possessiveness I get, it's the path to that I don't get). What started out as a casual offer turned into something much more. It (along with another instance) makes me realize that, well, I'm not made out for casual. Or at least not yet.

I mean if you really consider it, I have yet to be in a legit we're dating, boy/girl-friend situation. I have yet to experience walking in one another's embrace with hands interlocked, the give and take of casual kisses, or just the general physicality that comes with said relationships. And frankly something casual just doesn't cover that. In fact, it turns and runs in the opposite direction. And if the previous subject gives you any idea, I need that. Frankly, forget intimacies and coitus and the whole shabang. Give me that physical closeness and I might just be set.

But frankly that's something that came into play a little further down the line. So let's back up a bit and address something that led to that.

As I mentioned it was supposed to be casual. But then again, since when can I do casual with a close friend? Instead of the casual, it was long talks into the night, confiding and comforting through the weeks. I think part of me liked the fact that he was in more deep than I, that I was more in control, and I called the shots.

So it somehow confuses me how it changed from very close friends into something else. I just don't understand it. Part of me wonders, is it because I just got caught on the coat tails of what he felt? Could it be a lack of understanding my own feelings what contributes to my hesitation?

There is one aspect of me that I am sure hasn't changed through this entire affair. I am still taking it day by day, not looking at the future and what is to come. I am in the present, mulling over my thoughts and the events of the past. The mentality is to take advantage of what's there, what time is there, regardless of the ending, since that ending seems to be in our future (especially since I do not know what I am to be doing in life). I know for a fact that this bugs him. He wants to know the definite and despite not wanting to pressure me into saying something. But I know it eats at him. And I know I still can't give him anything beyond the idea that there is something serious between us.

Everytime I think about why I'm at a standstill, I seem to just have a flurry of thoughts in my head leading me in circles. It almost always starts with what makes me happy?

With him, I'm sexy, cute, adorable, and beautiful. Did you know someone could be all of those? Did I know I had the tendency to giggle and blush? It happens everytime he says it. Every single time.

I mean it's one thing for your girl friends to let you know you look cute or sexy or pretty or damn, as some might put it. But it's quite another thing entirely for me when a guy says it [especially one that is that into me]. And even then, those are all still different from beautiful. In fact being called beautiful is the rarest thing of all. Sure my aunt or grandmother might say it. But coming from someone close, beautiful is something so special, and it becomes something precious. It makes me want to share a story about one of those precious times, way back in freshman year of undergrad. But part of me hesitates because it's a private moment to me, that makes me smile even to this day.

So when he says it to me, like it's a fact and wonders why I haven't realized it myself yet, I never know what to say. Because it surprises me at every turn. Of course the impact is greater when it is said, not typed. But I've come to crave it from him. Sure the spontaneity of the phrase is like magic. It seems I've come to the point where it's vital that he tells me that, so much that I even ask for it. And if he doesn't, my day seems to drain of joy.

Somehow, he manages to bring me back from the brink of anything. I don't think talking to anyone else has ever really soothed the anger that comes from certain interactions. Sure I can pack the anger away by avoiding the subject. But I can talk about it with him. And he knows just what to say to make it all go away. It just disappears. 

In a way, it's all part of the way he makes me feel cherished. Every part of me is lavished with his attention and touch. I truly feel precious. And with the way I've found that I seem to soak up every such action, I begin to fear. If I were to let him go, will I ever find someone who treats me like this? Or is letting this go means giving up on the chance that anyone else would ever do the same? Am I potentially giving up the one person who would cherish me this way?

But then I think of the not so wonderful parts, the parts that I would have to make a compromises. Despite the fact that I think and love that he's a proud, opinionated, stubborn, confident guy, he doesn't seem himself the same or in the positive light that I do. And there are unfortunate and hurtful consequences of that. The worst being, he doubts the gravity of my feelings for him.

Sure, I might be stopped short of making the commitment of the future, but in no way are my feelings neither legitimate or serious. I could not believe the extent to which I hurt when hearing that from him. At first it was straight up anger. How could he be so insecure as to doubt my emotions? Would I even still be here if they didn't exist? But from anger bore questions of sarcasm and contempt. The answers hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. I couldn't bear to talk. It felt like a monumental task just to lift my fingers to type. I can still feel the injury.

Another strain of insecurity leads to his constant insistence that every misunderstanding or error in judgment comes from him. That he must be the only one in the wrong and only he must make the changes to make things better. Sure it's nice that I don't have to change myself. But how can any relationship be healthy if only one party must make all the changes and sacrifices?

Then there are the little things, like something not being worth the effort if there is nothing received in return. Or being unable to let some things slide on occasion.

It seems like there's just a lot of misunderstandings and hurt that happens. I wonder if it makes any of this worth the definite commitment, given that all of this is happening in just the beginning, so what would happen later on? But I also realized that I am indeed more invested in this than anything else. Nothing proves it more than that something that happened.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to re-live the void I was in when it happened. All I'll mention is that I became so detached, that not only did I have to make myself feel again, and feel for him, but I also found myself completely off track because of a guy. I couldn't even bring myself to make the effort to continue working at my future....

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As you can see I could not seem to find the motivation to write any further - taking about bad painful things isn't fun. And I guess because I no longer really have a motivation to write this particular post, we'll let things lie as they are. I'll just keep that part to myself.

I hope you enjoyed my using previous writing to post as I haven't posted in a while now. (I was planning on writing a new one, but I got distracted by this. Technically I was planning on rewriting what was originally supposed to be the first segment from the "two in one" post. But I realized this was too good not to share.)

Thanks for reading. Hopefully I post soon!