Dark Side

Hi.

What does it mean to be in a committed, serious relationship?

It of course would consist of fidelity, honesty, love, compromise, sharing - you know what you'd expect a relationship to consist of.

But what trips me over is the honesty. Not present honesty, but honesty about your past. There are those moments from your past that you are ashamed of, and things that have happened in your life, that though they define you, are only known to you, because you have covered the true reasons with the white lie you've been living.

Are you expected to reveal your truest secrets in the fear that such misinformation may lead to the death of said relationship when revealed?

I have always been a secretive person, when it comes to my family, my mistakes. There are things about myself I haven't shared with anyone, forever locked inside my mind.

Part of why I do comes from my young adult life. I learned the hard way that being honest or sharing the truth about yourself or your family or even your close friends can be turned against you. To me, there is no such thing as a caring community. If a weakness were to be found, the vultures known as people will never hesitate to judge you, gossip about you, demean you to others regardless of what happens behind their own closed doors. As if, taking the offense against others will prevent them from searching too close to their own mess.

So far my life has been full of who I've told what, persons who know only certain aspects of my personal life and the ones who will wield any misstep against me. Amongst those I know, there are a few that have surpassed the barriers that I have used to keep away the onslaught of the judging communities (sometimes just because they are not part of said communities). They have managed to reach a place of mutual trust, and so have a fuller story of what goes on behind the scenes in my life.

But even then, I haven't shared everything. I still use my false, smiling, energetic, delirious, sarcastic persona, and it keeps me at a distance from everyone I know. It's a good one that works. I would know...

I know that I still use it, because I am afraid. I am afraid of what people might think of me. How they would think of me on less than perfect terms. There are rare moments when I wonder of the hypocrisy of my actions, when I ask others to bare their souls, yet I withhold mine. But that still doesn't stop me from doing so, there are parts of my life that are still not strong enough for the light.

So if I can't manage to share these things with the people I consider closest, then how could I share them when in a relationship?

Never having been in a serious relationship, I have no clue what constitutes full honesty. It would seem that without full disclosure, I would be distancing myself from the other person by keeping part of myself from them. But I can't bear the thought of them thinking less of me, or the look of disapproval stamped all over their face.

So I ask again, how much honesty is required?