For that awkward moment you just realize one boob is bigger than the other.
And not the one you thought.
8.25.2012
8.22.2012
Just Drive
Hi.
Procrastination jitters?
I've reached a point where something could actually happen. It'll no longer be in my head - actual events will unfold. I can do all those things I've planned to. All I need to do is apply the pressure on the gas pedal.
Yet I hesitate.
I've shifted into drive, but my foot's cemented to the brake.
I'm nervous.
It's as if now that I'm faced with the product of my split second choice, I can't seem to move forward. There are butterflies... and not the good kind.
Is it because it means that this whole thing will be real? It feels serious.
Or is it because it's under wraps, and I just don't want to see my parents speculating looks?
My hand is reaching for the gear shift.
My hand is reaching for the gear shift.
I can't seem to move forward.
I slam the parking break.
I distract.
I divert.
I fib.
I avoid.
8.18.2012
Dark Side
Hi.
What does it mean to be in a committed, serious relationship?
It of course would consist of fidelity, honesty, love, compromise, sharing - you know what you'd expect a relationship to consist of.
But what trips me over is the honesty. Not present honesty, but honesty about your past. There are those moments from your past that you are ashamed of, and things that have happened in your life, that though they define you, are only known to you, because you have covered the true reasons with the white lie you've been living.
Are you expected to reveal your truest secrets in the fear that such misinformation may lead to the death of said relationship when revealed?
What does it mean to be in a committed, serious relationship?
It of course would consist of fidelity, honesty, love, compromise, sharing - you know what you'd expect a relationship to consist of.
But what trips me over is the honesty. Not present honesty, but honesty about your past. There are those moments from your past that you are ashamed of, and things that have happened in your life, that though they define you, are only known to you, because you have covered the true reasons with the white lie you've been living.
Are you expected to reveal your truest secrets in the fear that such misinformation may lead to the death of said relationship when revealed?
8.03.2012
*Cough*
Hi.
Holy shit I'm so amp-ed up that I can't even write this.
It's like something's taken over me.
All I can do is squirm around, giddy as hell.
I can't believe I did that.
I can't believe it just happened.
Oh my fucking god I just DID that.
And then he just said that.
Oh my god, it just worked.
My adrenaline's skyrocketed.
Sleeping took forever.
I'm awake before my alarm.
Bubbly-butterflies-bumblebees-buzzing.
Is this even real?
Is this even real?
And it started with a whisper
- well, a cough, but frankly does it matter?
7.31.2012
Frankenstein
Hi.
Yes, I am. Really. It just seems that lately I've been stranded in a bubble in the suburbs, wilting away indoors.
Somehow, without tasks that force one from the confines of the house (to the extent that I despair when I'm deprived the opportunity to go grocery shopping) and people with which to interact, it becomes very easy to be lulled into a becoming a recluse.
She's ALIVE!
Yes, I am. Really. It just seems that lately I've been stranded in a bubble in the suburbs, wilting away indoors.
Somehow, without tasks that force one from the confines of the house (to the extent that I despair when I'm deprived the opportunity to go grocery shopping) and people with which to interact, it becomes very easy to be lulled into a becoming a recluse.
So, yes. I'm alive.
That spot between a rock and a hard place
Hi.
So if there's one thing I seem to know how to do, it's being mediator between my mother and my brother. I don't know when it seemed to become my 24/7 job description, but I can tell you that it is most definitely nothing to be ecstatic about. In fact being the go between just gets worse when you have been raised to do what you parents ask without question - leaving you in the middle and most definitely with no time on your hands.
So if there's one thing I seem to know how to do, it's being mediator between my mother and my brother. I don't know when it seemed to become my 24/7 job description, but I can tell you that it is most definitely nothing to be ecstatic about. In fact being the go between just gets worse when you have been raised to do what you parents ask without question - leaving you in the middle and most definitely with no time on your hands.
Gravitation
Hi.
April, May - months that don't really end much, but very much like the nature of spring itself, they are months of many endings and beginnings have happened for me, full of events that have no undo button, locked behind bars in the dungeons of my mind. But like an echo, traces of their presence linger in my memories, to haunt me again and again and again.
And once I turn my mind to past events, visions of altered actions and possibilities of future events race through my mind. Even if I stand up and push away such thoughts, I seem to return to those thoughts with a renewed vigor fueled by recent events, despite every logical fiber of my brain screaming the delusional nature of such futures.
It's like I can't seem to escape the pull of these treacherous dreams. And it makes me wonder, given the fact that I can't seem to escape their orbit, can I really make claim that I have moved on, when I'm still trapped by their gravitational pull?
Disclaimer:
I began writing this more than a month ago, and I am most definitely too lazy to re-edit the introduction.
And this post has a dictated soundtrack, so unless you have the data... no reading on mobile devices :P
And, now you may proceed ^_^
April, May - months that don't really end much, but very much like the nature of spring itself, they are months of many endings and beginnings have happened for me, full of events that have no undo button, locked behind bars in the dungeons of my mind. But like an echo, traces of their presence linger in my memories, to haunt me again and again and again.
And once I turn my mind to past events, visions of altered actions and possibilities of future events race through my mind. Even if I stand up and push away such thoughts, I seem to return to those thoughts with a renewed vigor fueled by recent events, despite every logical fiber of my brain screaming the delusional nature of such futures.
It's like I can't seem to escape the pull of these treacherous dreams. And it makes me wonder, given the fact that I can't seem to escape their orbit, can I really make claim that I have moved on, when I'm still trapped by their gravitational pull?
6.16.2012
Badges of Honor
Hi.
Or, like I like to consider it, a permanent memory etched into your skin, a reminder that you have lived your life and have the proof - probably a mindset more akin to that of age old cultures with a bit of a romantic flair to the whole thing. (which frankly is kind of weird now that I've typed it out... I'm really strange... :P).
Scar -
(n) a wound that has healed poorly, or without the sufficient nutrients, causing the location to be filled with fibrous connective tissue instead of the correct skin and body tissues.Or, like I like to consider it, a permanent memory etched into your skin, a reminder that you have lived your life and have the proof - probably a mindset more akin to that of age old cultures with a bit of a romantic flair to the whole thing. (which frankly is kind of weird now that I've typed it out... I'm really strange... :P).
5.26.2012
Return to the Matrix
Hi.
I know, I know, it's been forever since my last post... in fact I think it's my first post in May, and there's barely a week left in the month...
But not all of it's my fault - I've been off grid for some time now.
Ok, I exaggerate a bit... I wasn't completely off grid, but I most definitely was as close to it as I could possibly get, and I definitely was around folk that were completely off grid - because it's easier to do that when you live in the middle of the ocean on a live volcano.
^_^
It was amazing, everyone should go there, I never wanted to leave, but alas I had to return to reality - but man it was AMAZING...
I know, I know, it's been forever since my last post... in fact I think it's my first post in May, and there's barely a week left in the month...
But not all of it's my fault - I've been off grid for some time now.
Ok, I exaggerate a bit... I wasn't completely off grid, but I most definitely was as close to it as I could possibly get, and I definitely was around folk that were completely off grid - because it's easier to do that when you live in the middle of the ocean on a live volcano.
^_^
It was amazing, everyone should go there, I never wanted to leave, but alas I had to return to reality - but man it was AMAZING...
...to be continued...
(after I finish organizing, captioning/tagging, and posting the 1,000+ photos taken on both cameras brought to the islands, and possibly unpacking and doing laundry at the least... >.<)
P.S.: And yes, I refer to the islands of Hawaii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(in case you were wondering ^_^)
4.28.2012
Touch
Hi.
A mind unchallenged (or unused) will fall into a state of decrepitude.
Through disuse, newly formed synapses diminish in number. And with age the ability of those very neurons to recreate or even maintain such pathways abates.
It's through those connections we are able to sense the world around us. We live through these senses: seeing the faces of the people we care for, hearing the opinionated conversations, tasting the delicious meals shared, painting our memory with the aromas surrounding us, and feeling.
Feeling the kinship of another human being - reaffirming our connection to the people who are closest to us. That is what we communicate through touch. It is a way to remind ourselves that we are not alone - a connection that no form of technology has managed to reproduce. It is an intimate interaction.
So it makes me wonder then that if we are without a consistent triggering of such sensory neurons, would those pathways will also fall into decay, leaving us with faded memories of another being's warmth?
4.09.2012
Flora Fancies
Hi.
They are the ultimate gesture of apology, adoration, gratitude, sorrow, regard - you name it. They brighten any room, by bringing all that is fresh and alive indoors. They decorate nearly every celebratory event and all those that are for mourning or loss. They are vibrant and subdued. People even say that they have special meanings, each type or each color symbolizes more than what meets the eye. And apparently every girl should have a favorite.
Frankly, I didn't figure out mine until the last year or so, and really, there isn't just one... and even then I can't be bothered to say those are the only favorites I have.
They are the ultimate gesture of apology, adoration, gratitude, sorrow, regard - you name it. They brighten any room, by bringing all that is fresh and alive indoors. They decorate nearly every celebratory event and all those that are for mourning or loss. They are vibrant and subdued. People even say that they have special meanings, each type or each color symbolizes more than what meets the eye. And apparently every girl should have a favorite.
Frankly, I didn't figure out mine until the last year or so, and really, there isn't just one... and even then I can't be bothered to say those are the only favorites I have.
3.29.2012
Lowest of the Low
Hi.
It's something that you feel to your bones: something that vibrates through your cartilage, tendons, and muscles - that makes your adipose tissue hum. Slow and lumbering, yet somehow essential, it adds the extra layer of depth and just depth in general.
It's the lowest of the low, the lowest of low registers.
It's something that you feel to your bones: something that vibrates through your cartilage, tendons, and muscles - that makes your adipose tissue hum. Slow and lumbering, yet somehow essential, it adds the extra layer of depth and just depth in general.
It's the lowest of the low, the lowest of low registers.
3.22.2012
Powerful Words
Hi.
In just about every fantasy novel you could have read, it seems that there is one unwavering law woven into the fabric of the world: the power of a single word, a name. It holds power over that which it labels - it describes any living or inanimate object - its essential definition.
A name. It is but a word, yet its value is more than we can comprehend. Not only is a name how we differentiate who and what we are, it can hold power over how the rest of the world will judge you. It follows the simple idea that any word or name holds more than one purpose or meaning, and we are slaves to these predetermined connotations held by the "other" party.
There is a burden that comes with naming something or someone. For once you have bestowed the word upon said focus, it in a way becomes permanent. After you have provided the name, you no longer control the destiny of that which you have given birth to. You can only hope to have a chosen a name that will not be ridiculed or disrespected - hope that it will not be twisted into a grim or faded version of its origin.
So when given the role of the namer - or creator - of a new existence, I find my mind blank, unable to engineer one word to completely define it.
3.15.2012
Snap. Crackle. Pop.
Hi.
It should come to no surprise. As it does every year, when the orbit of the earth brings the sun closer to the northern hemisphere, nature seems to wake bringing a fresh new start - bringing forth crowds of new life from the remains of old, almost a mockery of those that slumbered to no longer wake. Surrounded by the budding flowers, beautiful whimsical weather, and the masses of people recharging depleted sun quotas, I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It brings me to wondering, despite the evidence of years past, could I be misplacing my judgment? Am I really questioning the fate of the weather, or am I skeptic to more? Have I been looking at myself and doubting the assertions and conclusions I've made myself? Could they all be just as misleading and hope-crushing as a false spring?
It is not that I object to the rightful place of pessimism in this world. I merely wonder when the optimism leaked out of our sight. Could it be the gradual decay of our child-like naivete till we all end up the shriveled old men, yelling at the glimmer of happiness?
It's all around you. The signs are everywhere. Hesitant green amid the cold earth. Breezes caress, no longer biting. A litany of high pitched trills - at every hour of the day. Sunlight now bathe worthy. The thunderous cracking of ice disrupting months of silent nature. Change has come.
It seems almost morbid of me to think so. Most I know take an optimistic stance wishing for the weather to stay on its current path. I scoff that their naive ideas - it's yet too early. I mourn the buds which have eagerly flourished with the loss of frost. I look to others and admonish, you'll regret putting the winter gear in storage. I know; I have experienced. It will not last.
It brings me to wondering, despite the evidence of years past, could I be misplacing my judgment? Am I really questioning the fate of the weather, or am I skeptic to more? Have I been looking at myself and doubting the assertions and conclusions I've made myself? Could they all be just as misleading and hope-crushing as a false spring?
It is unique that so many of us hold such an pleasant foreshadow with the weather, but when making or observing the personal changes around us, there is always a shock or disbelief and wonder at any success. Have we as humans faced such lapse in positive change that at the mention of a new resolution, doubt colors our thoughts despite any support we may vocalize?
It is not that I object to the rightful place of pessimism in this world. I merely wonder when the optimism leaked out of our sight. Could it be the gradual decay of our child-like naivete till we all end up the shriveled old men, yelling at the glimmer of happiness?
It would be a sadness - no a tragedy. For without change, it would be indeed a mad, mad world.
3.05.2012
One step, and then Another
Hi.
So as you may have noticed, I've had a bit of a long break in February - a hiatus if you will... but really I had yet again been bitten by the procrastination bug. So it's actually quite exciting that I have finally gotten a dent into the plethora of posts accumulating in my drafted posts.
It seems like I've been caught up in a hum drum routine and with a commute to and from home, nothing too exciting has been going on. Although, there have been a few things going on in my life that aren't necessarily just for kicks - like how I finally took the initiative and made up my mind to make the endeavor, the Herculean challenge, of completing the Pittsburgh Half Marathon.
So as you may have noticed, I've had a bit of a long break in February - a hiatus if you will... but really I had yet again been bitten by the procrastination bug. So it's actually quite exciting that I have finally gotten a dent into the plethora of posts accumulating in my drafted posts.
It seems like I've been caught up in a hum drum routine and with a commute to and from home, nothing too exciting has been going on. Although, there have been a few things going on in my life that aren't necessarily just for kicks - like how I finally took the initiative and made up my mind to make the endeavor, the Herculean challenge, of completing the Pittsburgh Half Marathon.
3.04.2012
Pro-life. Wait, pro-WHAT?
Hi.
Politics. It's a field that is wrought with moral dilemmas and shit slinging. It's a place where the line between government and personal justice is often blurred. For regardless of the form of government exists, it is so closely intertwined with the society that has (at some point in time) either willingly or unwillingly relinquished certain rights to allow it's reign. It is the hope of said societies that they are then ruled by policies that are established by the truths they live by. It is those very truths that make the core of a person. They define who you are and what you came from. They are immobile tracks carry you through life.
I find that in a country as vastly different as mine, there are so many of these immovable stances, that any compromise of shades of gray can be seemingly impossible - as certain parties maintain the stance that the country must live by one individual's standards. How can they ask that when our country is so diverse, that we are considered a mosaic of cultures that have mixed with the American fervor that combine tradition with something new creating a unique society that is ours?
I find that I have yet to establish many stances such as these in relation to US politics. Maybe it's because I have yet to truly participate in a world beyond my own personal bubble and I enjoy blissfully ignoring it. But with the current election coming up - and having to listen to the idiocy called the Republican debates - I most definitely know that I have at least a few. And there is one stance that I refuse to budge on. To quote John Stewart of The Daily Show, I am referring to the "Punanny State" aaaaaaaaaaaand it's closely related sister, abortion.
Politics. It's a field that is wrought with moral dilemmas and shit slinging. It's a place where the line between government and personal justice is often blurred. For regardless of the form of government exists, it is so closely intertwined with the society that has (at some point in time) either willingly or unwillingly relinquished certain rights to allow it's reign. It is the hope of said societies that they are then ruled by policies that are established by the truths they live by. It is those very truths that make the core of a person. They define who you are and what you came from. They are immobile tracks carry you through life.
I find that in a country as vastly different as mine, there are so many of these immovable stances, that any compromise of shades of gray can be seemingly impossible - as certain parties maintain the stance that the country must live by one individual's standards. How can they ask that when our country is so diverse, that we are considered a mosaic of cultures that have mixed with the American fervor that combine tradition with something new creating a unique society that is ours?
I find that I have yet to establish many stances such as these in relation to US politics. Maybe it's because I have yet to truly participate in a world beyond my own personal bubble and I enjoy blissfully ignoring it. But with the current election coming up - and having to listen to the idiocy called the Republican debates - I most definitely know that I have at least a few. And there is one stance that I refuse to budge on. To quote John Stewart of The Daily Show, I am referring to the "Punanny State" aaaaaaaaaaaand it's closely related sister, abortion.
2.20.2012
Comical Truth
Hi.
The other day I was making progress through the complete collection of Calvin and Hobbes (it's one of those ever relevant comics). From the mouth of Calvin, in response to Hobbes' inquiry:
The other day I was making progress through the complete collection of Calvin and Hobbes (it's one of those ever relevant comics). From the mouth of Calvin, in response to Hobbes' inquiry:
"Sure! When you're serious about having fun, it's not much fun at all!"There are several hobbies and activities we enjoy in our lives. But at some point, we get so busy, caught up in the humdrum of our normal routine, there seems to be no time for things that we enjoy doing - rock climbing, crocheting, piano, painting... all those things you say you'll get back to at some point. However, it seems, that if you don't actually plan these things into your schedule, you may not ever get the chance to enjoy them. And when you have to block out segments of time for them, it seems to remove the spontaneous nature of said activities, thereby sucking the joy out of them.
It makes one wonder, do the words of a comic-book, fun-seeking six-year-old hold more than just a grain of truth?
2.06.2012
Excitation
Hi.
It's easy to understand that the level of excitement equates to the level of joy and interest in an idea, relationship, a valued item. So when people try to convince themselves that they are satisfied with something else, where the excitement is sub-par, it makes me wonder:
Are they unable to attain that which brings climactic excitation and must accept and adapt to what they can afford, or are they settling for what is easily begotten, forgoing the extra effort required to reach what they yearn for?
When faced with either, is it still possible to maintain a joyful, stimulating mindset with the knowledge that you do not have what truly excites you?
2.01.2012
On the Market
Hi.
Just the other day, I got a "save the date" from a friend of mine from college. She's a year older than me, was a chemical and biomolecular engineering major and my co-choreographer the first year and a half that I was a captain for my classical Indian dance team. That being said, when we first met, I knew nothing about who she was - in my head, she was just a serious, talented dancer. But due to the lengths of time, the close quarters, and teaching moments that come with choreographing for a dance team, I got to know just how funny and crazy she really is (let's just say that we got along really well, despite the conflicting ideas and obstinate personalities on either ends). Regardless, she was a very close friend of mine.
So you're probably wondering why I mentioned the whole save the date thing. Well, I've been invited to her wedding.
Just the other day, I got a "save the date" from a friend of mine from college. She's a year older than me, was a chemical and biomolecular engineering major and my co-choreographer the first year and a half that I was a captain for my classical Indian dance team. That being said, when we first met, I knew nothing about who she was - in my head, she was just a serious, talented dancer. But due to the lengths of time, the close quarters, and teaching moments that come with choreographing for a dance team, I got to know just how funny and crazy she really is (let's just say that we got along really well, despite the conflicting ideas and obstinate personalities on either ends). Regardless, she was a very close friend of mine.
So you're probably wondering why I mentioned the whole save the date thing. Well, I've been invited to her wedding.
1.27.2012
Old Biddy Syndrome
Hi.
Oh my gosh! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Wow. This is incredible. Do you see this? Look, I've posted! So soon? I'm just blown away. Amaaaazing.
Alright, I hope my heavily sarcastic tone reached you through the internet. I doubt I have the capacity to fully describe my posture, facial expression, and speech inflections to provide you with the complete impact of the sarcasm. But onto the important thing, my little post ^_^.
Parents worry about their children. It's a fact of parenthood (I assume). Sure what they might worry about varies from family to family, but the bottom line remains that parents worry.
So when I talk about how my mom worries, I'm not trying to discount the worrying other parents do. I just don't think they worry to quite as much or in quite the way my mother does. Forget worrying about my ability to live independently or snaring a job where I am happy. Forget even finding a person who I am compatible with (and importantly gets along with the family). Forget even who I have become as a person or the decisions I'll make in terms of morality and maintaining the fundamentals she has taught me. A very prominent worry of hers is that I will become an old lonely spinster... and not quite for the reasons you might think.
Oh my gosh! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Wow. This is incredible. Do you see this? Look, I've posted! So soon? I'm just blown away. Amaaaazing.
Alright, I hope my heavily sarcastic tone reached you through the internet. I doubt I have the capacity to fully describe my posture, facial expression, and speech inflections to provide you with the complete impact of the sarcasm. But onto the important thing, my little post ^_^.
Parents worry about their children. It's a fact of parenthood (I assume). Sure what they might worry about varies from family to family, but the bottom line remains that parents worry.
So when I talk about how my mom worries, I'm not trying to discount the worrying other parents do. I just don't think they worry to quite as much or in quite the way my mother does. Forget worrying about my ability to live independently or snaring a job where I am happy. Forget even finding a person who I am compatible with (and importantly gets along with the family). Forget even who I have become as a person or the decisions I'll make in terms of morality and maintaining the fundamentals she has taught me. A very prominent worry of hers is that I will become an old lonely spinster... and not quite for the reasons you might think.
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