Talk to me

 Hi....

Yeah I know the title's a bit ironic, considering it's been a while. But it's what I wanted to hash out, what I wanted to talk about. 

Just for some perspective, let's bring it back. I'm an imperfect communicator, and it took effort to be upfront and communicate my own wants while also being considerate of others. I grew up managing the personalities and emotions around me, so it took time to get to a point where I could voice myself without being callus towards those I'm communicating with. 

And when it comes to my close people, it sometimes feels like a constant battle against myself not to relax to the point where I stop considering them. Because when it's my close people, I've taken a huge hurdle: I've brought down the usual walls I erect, and I am myself without filters. Which means I'm even more susceptible to errors in communication.

I think part of it comes from displaying a confident façade. I'm not saying it's just bravado. My confidence is hard earned, especially when I've had to work against everything that undercuts my self-confidence. It's my survival instinct to side with myself. The fact is I'm an intelligent woman with a lot of knowledge and expertise in many subjects. So not only do I have confidence in myself, I have confidence in my opinions.

But that confidence has always been tempered with the knowledge that I don't know everything - for all my conviction in my own thoughts, I accept that my experience is not the only one, and my opinions are quite mutable. I believe my opinion is not everyone else's opinion. In fact, what drives me in conversation is the effort to get another person to understand my thought process. NOT making them agree with me. Because that's what I do for others. I try to understand their perspective and I accept that it's THEIRS.

What is the most aggravating, is that explaining my perspective instead comes across either as (1) I don't respect their opinion, (2) I'm judging them, or (3) I am trying to convince another person that they should adopt my opinion as theirs. And maybe it's my frustration speaking, but it feels like I'm being forced to take the responsibility of managing their insecurities, their lack of confidence in their opinion.

When did that become my burden to bear?

I've said it before, I make mistakes. I may make assumptions, I may over-advise instead of providing support. But one thing I never do is believe someone is less than me. My conversations are held on the grounds that I believe they are my equal. That everyone has something to contribute and there is no level of brilliance or knowledge required to contribute to the discussion. Fact is I wouldn't be speaking with you if I didn't respect your opinion or I thought you wouldn't respect mine. Let's be real... those people are out there - but you won't find me talking to them. At least not with any level of genuine honesty or consideration.

When it boils down to it, I try the best I can - and especially for those I care about, I will tell you to talk to me. Especially when I've made an error in communication. Tell me. Talk to me. Tell me immediately. My worst nightmare is disrespecting someone I value and deeply care about. Nothing can destabilize my mental foundation quite like that. 

So take me on as an equal. Take my word at face value. Believe that I mean what I say and hold me accountable when I misstep. Because I care so much. Because constantly being on guard for your feelings drains me, means that I can't be myself around you. I hope you care enough about me to understand that. And respect me enough to talk to me, to trust me with the vulnerable parts of you.