Hi.
[I know, another post already? What can I say, I'm just avoiding other pressing responsibilities ^_^ ]
It's that time again. When things change and transition, even though you don't want to. But there's something coming next and it's that mix of excitement and trepidation about what's going to happen next.
I've been here once before and I can see it for what it is. But it's a just a bit different... Perspective? Age? Anticipation? Intention? Looming hurdles?
Collegiate life. It's something that is so unique, you'll never find it elsewhere. Doesn't matter how old you are, it a unique collective of minds and personalities forced into interacting with each other. This social experience means you meet all kinds of people and you see them constantly - the good ones and the bad ones. And if you're lucky there are a few special ones that you'll stay in touch with even after the experience is over. But hey - this is something I've already learned and looked forward to.
But there's something that makes med school a little extra unique. And when it's on an island in the middle of a pandemic? Let's just say it's a bit more than a little extra. It's this pressure cooker of stress, desperation, and sweat. It's a continuous exercise in how far you can push yourself, how much pressure you can take - and trust me when I say you learn how to take it or you break. It's a trial of fire only meant for those strong and supple enough.
It's hard work and perseverance that gets you through. It's acknowledging that you are the person who's going to get you through to the end. Which means you don't have time for the bullshit. You're literally not there to be anyone's friend.
Maybe that's what makes medical school friends so special. They're meeting you during some of the most difficult times of your life, and they're still around after getting to know a pretty self-centered and very immature version of yourself. And the crazy thing is that you somehow end up forming these bonds in the span of seconds. As one of my friends put it - you know everything about how they'd react and what they'd think of something without knowing a single thing about their life story.
I learned that I can make the deepest connections with people - that I don't have to worry whether I can be vulnerable with someone. Because I can survive the loss if it doesn't work. Because it can happen when I least expect it. I just have to be willing to take the step to explore it and be open to the possibilities. If it can happen amidst all the stress, it can happen anywhere else. It just might take a little time.
But what happens when you leave the pressure cooker? What happens when you're spread out to hospitals across the country and no longer on the same schedule or timeline? It's brutal. You're cut off from the very people that kept you some kind of sane. And what happened effortlessly takes work.
The hardest part is letting go. Not all those friendships are meant to last. Because every person does not invest equally. The best you can do is share with someone how much they matter to you and hope they will reciprocate. And for the close relationships I've lost, if they don't commit, I'm left mourning the loss. Maybe I'll keep some semblance of relationship - but it never returns to level of connection that was there before; I draw back to protect myself and won't simply resume that level of intimacy of my own volition.
I've noticed that I don't have this condition for all my relationships. I don't have the same "commitment expectation" for everyone. It doesn't depend on if I've shared deeply personal moments with someone. It also doesn't depend on whether secrets have been exchanged. It doesn't depend on whether they have my trust.
What makes a friendship close enough where I have an expectation of reciprocity depends on whether I've shared how I feel about them. Without going through medical school and thinking about the close bonds I've formed, I honestly don't think I'd have figured out that one of the final hurdles of intimacy for me is voicing the squishy, embarrassing things I feel for someone.
Fortunate or not, I'm busy enough that I don't get too much time to linger over the losses. I'm plunged right into a new environment with new responsibilities and new connections to forge. I wish my time with my peers was longer - but this journey keeps moving forward whether I'm ready or not. I'll hold those memories close and take the opportunities I missed in my future interactions.
I've left campus but I'm not lost or wondering where my journey is heading. I don't feel adrift because I've reached the end of an experience. The goal over the next few years is very clear. I'm now in the next phase of my medical journey and making my way towards residency. I have people that want me in their lives in the way that I want them in mine. I'm back in a city I love and ready to rediscover it. I don't know what I'll face next, but I can't wait to see.
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