Sexy, or not?

Hi.

Maybe it's cuz I feel a little lonely. Or maybe it's cuz there's no appreciation...

Now I'm a young woman and so that means I'm used to the appreciative looks/comments/favors from baristas, waiters, and the random guy on the street. And when it's not the creepy appreciation of the random dude on the street (just the classy, well put ones), it's quite flattering, and hey I'm not above using that to help me get what I need.

But lately, I'm not feeling it.

First off, I'm not out to get that kind of attention. I firmly believe that looking good depends on how you feel about yourself (not just wearing very revealing clothing). So when I want to feel sexy or attractive, I'll do anything from wearing that special bra, to that awesome outfit, those baller shoes, a hair-do that hits the spot, or doing up my makeup with eye catching lips and eyes.

And usually that works just fine.

I feel it in the way that I get confidence from what I'm wearing and the knowledge that I look good - and I think that's part of the reason why I like wearing heels: it feels sexy and kick-ass wearing them.

But these days, something's off - it's not doing the trick. And I think it's from the lack of appreciation.

By this point in time, I'm basically the flamboyant dresser at work. I basically dress up the most out of everyone else (on top of which I am the only one who wears dresses or skirts to work) - so in a way, my outfits no longer call the attention that they used to. In fact, everyone is already used to it.

It's not like I'm always wearing makeup - my baseline is usually just a bit of eyeliner - so I feel like it is something different when I do more than my baseline. But even the pick me up bright lip gloss or lipstick doesn't feel worth it. Maybe it's because part of me wants the attention that I'm no longer getting for it.

And it's not like I'm going to get any of the "appreciative" comments from them anyway - I mean they're my coworkers. That wouldn't really be appropriate. But when I don't even get the "it was noticed" comments, a little part of me that's boosted by having worn it deflates a little all through the day.

In fact, just the other day I was wearing this awesome sweater dress I picked up from Banana Republic, with my brown suede boots, a new pair of legwarmers, and my Bobby Brown coral lipstick. On top of which, I straightened my hair, which always gives me a bit of slick - smooth, classy look. So all in all, I was pulling off that look.

But it's like I might as well not have.

I mean just because it felt like such a waste to go home after wearing the outfit, I went to hang out in a cafe for a few hours doing what I probably would have at home (but in PJs or something along those lines).

In the end I just packed everything up and put the outfit away for another day.

It almost feels like I've reached a point where I cannot accept anything less than the spoken comment. I'm not just fishing for compliments. Nothing feels worse than a compliment paid upon request. It's tiring enough doing it as it is for this and so many other aspects of my life. Is it so wrong of me to expect - deserve - a compliment when I put in the effort and when I look that damn good?

I mean sure, I've moved beyond the stage of dressing up for the compliment. I know that. I know that from experience about retaining my self worth.

I know there are all those "self-studies" girls have done about the way makeup and attire are perceived by friends and the online dating community. But part of it is that they are specifically putting themselves out there almost asking for those responses. I'm not putting myself out there in that manner (though it really wouldn't hurt a guy to mention it when I do... but that is an entirely different matter).

I'm tired of the comments that say I'm beautiful only in my everyday-ness or only because of my smile or my personality. Thank you, but why can't that happen when I'm all dressed up?

Of course there's a part of me that wonders, could this be from a lack of a certain male attention? Well, sure, but I am not particularly lacking of it at the moment.

I think it has more to do with the acknowledgement that I am taking the time (even if I don't admit it) to make myself look awesome. And the fact is, I like making myself look good. It feels good to look good.


So here's to toughing it out till it doesn't feel like it's pointless, all the while hoping for just a little bit of appreciation.