My Little Secrets

Hi.

Secrets. Privileged information. Confidential. Lies. Private - Keep OUT.

There are a lot of things people will do to maintain some semblance of privacy in our lives. I cherish the idea that that my life isn't an open book for anyone to read. But I've realized that I might not be as private a person as I thought.

Looking back, I think I became a private person just through circumstance. Growing up, I never had any kids in my neighborhood that were my age to play with. And any that were close in age to me invariably had a niche or group of friends who only played with each other, heaven forbid someone new comes along - forget someone who was shy like me. Throughout grade school, I found that my background at home was very different than all the other kids as school - there was a lot more focus on academics and extra-curricular activities than pretty much everyone else - and I didn't meet kids I could get along with until I entered the higher-level, advanced math classes (though that might be attributed to the difference in intelligence... ^_^). But even then, I never really did hang out with those kids outside of school. So in a lot of ways, I didn't actually make close friends with them, I just co-existed with them.

On top of that, the Indian community I grew up in did not foster very open relations with other people. Forgetting the point that most everyone was cruelly judgmental about every other person or family, provide any indication of a not so perfect life, and the information would spread through the community like wildfire. In fact, I would often be coached to pretend everything was wonderful, or not to speak my mind, just to prevent any actual information about my life or my family's from becoming fodder for the gossip mills.

Growing up like this, I never knew how to open up to people about much at all, and maybe that's what also inspired me to write the journals in the past. I also ended up living life by a don't ask don't tell policy, or by telling the occasional white lies to keep others at bay. A repercussion is that I fail to make many true connections with the people I care about. I realize that because I bottle up a lot about myself and have to keep track of the lies I've told, I tend to gush about everything indiscriminately now, because it's such a relief not to have to lie about it.

I don't do this intentionally. I just notice it after the fact. I can't believe I just told this person about that, is what usually ends up running through my head. It's one thing when I keep my close friends updated on my life. But it's completely another when I "spill the beans" to people I consider simply as acquaintances. And recently it's been bugging me a lot, to the extent that I've chosen to remain more silent that exuberantly talkative about my life. I'm not saying I spew out everything about myself. For example, if I'm asked about what I am doing with my life, I brush aside the question or recite one of my generic future plan responses. But somehow the more intimate details about my relationships have been relayed to those that I wouldn't normally trust with the details of my life.

I'm not saying that keeping secrets is a good thing at all. In fact it's a relief to tell my roommate or my close friends about these issues, and it feels like a load has been taken off my mind. And learning to be able to do that (basically I finally understood that if they are my friends, they will listen and respond honestly without judgment) helped me open up more to my family about many of my secrets. But I now have to figure out how to mediate what I do say. I need to find the happy balance of not saying anything and yet still contributing to a conversation, without getting carried away in my excitement or strong emotions on the events of my life.

There ultimately is something special of having a secret about yourself that you choose to share with only one person. It creates a bond and an intimacy that feels oh so nice. Like when you are out in public, there's a moment of eye contact, and you know exactly what the other person is thinking about. That sort of a connection can only happen when you find the people you trust enough to share your secrets (and keep them too ^_^), while still maintaining your privacy with the everyone else.


For the dirty little secrets that are still mine and mine alone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPDcwjJ8pLg&ob=av3e