Control It

Hey.

I started writing a post the other day - Not sure if there was a specific cause or it was just a combination of the cloudiest month this city has had, the stress of procrastination, being ready to move on but not actually, or what... It was titled The Weight I Carry - heavy stuff I know - but I never finished it and I'm realizing I'm just not in that headspace anymore (maybe cuz there's sunlight outside and I just completed a shelf exam?). But I realized I've been thinking about something maybe a bit adjacent to it: mental control.

I'm not really talking about things like controlling your behavior or sticking to a long term plan. I feel that recently I've maybe been more aware of something I do mentally when I want to "let loose".

It not about deciding to relax or be able to appreciate the moment I'm in or anything like that - it's a step where I consciously decide to let go or turn off my brain. It's the akin to mental awareness of muscle groups when working out or stretching.

I think I first came to my attention a few months ago when I had gone out drinking with a friend. I had hit the alcohol intake where I'd normally be affected (i.e. thought faster than my speech, slight delay in reaction time, etc), but I was still mentally processing my surroundings as if I hadn't - I wasn't really getting the buzz I should have. But as I was making my way through the next drink, I said screw it - just stop and enjoy. And would you know, it's like I suddenly was loose, like flipping a switch.

I realized I do the same when it comes to interacting with other people - ya know the "fun stuff". Ok no need to self-censor here, when it comes to hanky-panky *wiggles eyebrows*. Ok I'm clearly a very mature adult :D.

But back to point - there is this moment when I make a decision to turn off a background analysis going on in my head, and shift my perceptions to the signals my body is transmitting rather than what's coming from "outside".

I don't think this "switch" mentality is something new for me. It's something I've always done, like how I can maintain intellectual conversations while 5-6 drinks into a night, but also decide to tune out everything else to have fun on the dance floor while sober.

Maybe the current stress of being in M3 of med school seems to have put me a position to identify my behavior. In the hospital, I usually need to maintain a high level of control - constantly monitoring how I interact with patients, hospital staff, attendings, and even other students. Which is on top of the laundry list of things that need to get taken care of outside it. So there's an even sharper contrast between my day-to-day functioning and "let-loose" states. 

In fact, I could even say my experience in M2 on campus is a great foil to M3 so far. Having moments of complete abandon - especially after an exam - really highlighted just how far I could turn things "off".

I'm honestly not sure whether I think this quirk is a good or bad thing. Since it's always been a mental decision, I personally have never relied on substances like alcohol or weed to "make" this switch. But each time I might, it's as if I have to acknowledge my own self-protective mechanisms/trust issues to let them down. Which is actually frustrating when I consider how this affects dating or hooking up with someone. (I will acknowledge that this is where it's great to have someone you trust in your corner - cuz their positive input definitely facilitates the switch.)

I'm not sure how being aware of this behavior will affect me moving forward. Maybe that means I'm more willing to make a switch; maybe it means I simply acknowledge I'm not going to make that decision; maybe it's just more to file under my self-analysis. Whatever it is, we'll see what happens.

Ok so I couldn't not share the other post at all - whatever work in progress it was from that headspace I'm not in right now... so here it is, followed by a few thoughts from a new perspective:

The Weight I Carry

Hi.

I tired of thinking about this. I feel like others are probably tired of it too. I don't bring it up. But I'm reminded over and over that it's still with me. I reminded by the way I react and the choices I make.

I'm a little closed off. I need to make a conscious choice, to be social and to actively think, "why not?" - and go for it. But are you interested? Are you really? Cause if I do approach you, will I have to convince you of it? Will you be so caught up in your thoughts that you pit me against your spiraling train of thoughts? If so, no thank you.

What if someone shows interest? Well, why don't you come out and say it? Stand up and ask me a question. Oh did they finally come out and ask? I'm flattered but not drawn. Do I give them the chance to win over my mind? Not anymore, no thank you.

Oh what about those vibes I'm picking up. I can see your gaze; it makes me think there's interest. But oh, they're taken, no thank you.

Oh look he's caught my eye. I engage, there's banter. Am I reading it right? Is this flirting? Maybe not, I'm second guessing. Well then... no thank you.

But what about that person? Oh wow that physique is familiar, no thank you. And how about them? Oh jeez they're the same ethnicity, no thank you. Well why not this guy? I can't tell if it's a good choice. They're at my work; this is for my career; let's not risk it, no thank you.

This pattern recognition is driving me crazy. I'm probably not ready since I've not had my closure. It hasn't been that long, but it definitely feels like just the other day. I'll admit it, I'm using my demanding workload as a distraction to avoid dealing.

But the worst part of it all is that it makes me feel sad. The thoughts and the feelings are wearing me down....

Alright so looking back on where I was when I was writing it:

(1) I definitely was getting the itch to move on and meet knew people. (2) Getting over someone isn't a clean process, and I still had some leftovers to deal with. (3) I was probably frustrated since my social interactions were basically limited to the people I interacted with at the hospital. (4) We had an unseasonably cloudy January here in Chicago. (5) I was probably tired. That's the new baseline 100 percent.

I still agree with the points I made - but biggest difference a month later? I don't think I'm as sad about them. 

Why?

Well, for one, we've had 2 weeks of sunshine without a cloud in the sky - it's amazing what recharging my sun-battery can have on a person, not to mention my hospital schedule started after 7am, so I saw sunlight before being trapped inside for the day.

I had an old friend reach out to me to re-connect, and there was something very healing about it. I felt wanted and loved. Especially since I've really missed being close to her.

I've also accepted there's a status quo, and I believe my assessment of certain persons is correct and that I shouldn't expect anything to happen in this current environment.

In addition, I've just had a series of mental events... Ok, might as well break this down.

The last 4 weeks I've been rotating on nephrology and the attending who is probably the first one that I respected his process and how he was invested with his patients. I can say for sure that I had a good experience and made a good impression on this physician (key for getting those recommendation letters...).

Thing is, there's a lot of prolonged eye contact. It's likely because I'm showing interest in what he's teaching; I'm actively listening by asking follow-up questions; and it's always nicer to interact with students who show they are engaged. I'm definitely reading into this too much; I'm probably adding to my confusion by mixing in rush of getting validation from a superior; and after a certain amount of time, any sustained eye contact just gets intimate... 

Regardless I've had this odd awareness about this weird undercurrent thing happening from my perspective...

Then add in the confusing signals I was getting from one of my fellow students, for me end up with a very, shall we say interesting dream sequence (I really don't get what's with me only having wacky dreams that involve processing my love life). Suffice to say my subconscious has rev-ed me up and is ready to mingle with someone new :D. (Also sad to see how much I'm desperate for validation these days... *shaking head in disappointment*).

But on top of all that - I had the chance to reset. There is nothing quite like studying for a stressful exam to push all other distractions out of your head. And after the exam, I had the opportunity to socialize with my colleagues this weekend. Which basically meant being able to feel normal after a long time (i.e. clothes, makeup, jewelry, etc). It's quite shocking just how much more I feel like myself when my hair's having a good day and I can actually dress like I normally would. All of which ultimately means I'm feeling great about myself.

So here's to moving forward, good hair days, uplifted spirits, and maybe some new behavior.

*proceeds to wear funky sunglasses and bask in the sun*