Pressure

Hello.

I'm posting this one retroactively. 

Stress is a hard thing to deal with, and to be frank, I wasn't dealing with it well.

It took a ridiculous combination of tough love and unwavering support to get me out of my own head and back to work. But regardless, I figured it made sense to share it.

Well... I guess I should get to it.

There's a lot of shit going on. There's medical school. There's my future. This is it. There's no going back. And I've got to succeed. I've got one shot. There's no other choice.

There's the fact that I'll be an IMG. There's my sight set on prestige. There's the family expectations - but no pressure they say. 

Scratch that, there's the self expectation. The evidence that I am intelligent. There's the desperate hope that I won't fail. There's the fear that I will.

There's all this pressure and it's wearing me down like the ever receding rocks in the face of ocean tides.

And in the face of this pressure I just want to hide. Bury it, push thru, just a little longer. Avoid it, distract from it, procrastinate. Focus on my friends, follow the flirting, hide hide hide it away.

Don't think about it crashing down. What's the worst that could happen. It's med school. It's stress. It's just your future on the line.

I've forgotten who I'm doing this for - why I'm doing it.

When did I stop enjoying it?

When did I start to feel at the edge of the same void as before?

I am smart damn it. So why is this so hard?

Don't break down. Don't crumble. Patch the cracks. Get back to it. I've got to keep going.

This isn't anything new. So why is it suddenly hitting harder?

I want to scream. I want claw my way out. I want to be done.

But then what was the point of all this effort?

Shit, I knew it'd be hard but I wasn't expecting this.

What am I supposed to do?

Is it just me?

Focus on the next step. Be in the present. Remind yourself of why you started down this path.

What's the worst that could happen?

I'm scared of that. I can't think of that. I don't want to fail again.

It was hard - so hard to pick myself back up. So hard to rebuild that foundation - there are still scars. Scars that I'll always carry - I don't want more. It hurts to even imagine more. Yet here I stand proud of my physical scars that show I've survived. What is this hypocrisy?

I don't want to be a failure. I can't be a disappointment again.

I'm smart. I am. I really am. So why is this so hard? Why can't I say this is hard? Why can't it be hard for me too? Why isn't my stress valid? When does this end?

When will it all finally be worth it?