Hey there.
How've you been? Social skills rusty? Well, it's been a while. And for some things, it's been eons.
Sure, you can talk about the pandemic, and how that's changed how we interact - eye contact through a screen just doesn't work the same way when you meet someone in person. But if that's where this issue was from... I'd probably end up ranting about people who reject science...
After leaving college, I dropped into a world of individualism. You may live in a concentrated or dense area - missing the frail threads that bind us together as collegiate fellows. No unified pursuit of ideal study venues, no-holds-barred stress relief, or even just that thing that happens to you brain when you're in college among you "peers".
You learn a big lesson, because you've become a social island. It now takes work to make connections. You are slowly worn down. You begin to crave the casual intimacies you took for granted. You miss the ease with which a deep bond could form out of the most insignificant encounter.
And if you're like me, you slowly start to starve and wither.
No spark. No touch. No life.
So where does that leave me now? Somehow back on campus.
But unlike the first time - I'm like an addict looking for my next hit. Instead of overcoming awkwardness and hesitation, I'm holding myself back from chasing down the next high.
[Just to be clear - the hit in this case is NOT referring to recreational drugs of any kind...]
Let's be real, it feels like all the brakes are off.
I miss the platonic physical intimacy I had in college. I miss the thrill of mutual excitement.
I want it.
I want it.
I want it, NOW.
It feels like I'm the last barrier holding back the flood waters.
Don't get me wrong - I've been making connections left and right. I am absolutely thrilled and excited by all the amazing and chill people I'm getting to know (and scandalized/repulsed by others, but neither here nor there). That was what I told myself I wanted to walk away with.
But... maybe I also wanted something else that I pretty much ignored...
A hand around the waist, the press against another, a tantalizing graze.
It's not something purely physical. It's built on top of an exchange of minds - it's a spark of interest in something past my personality, to my physical self.
[I'm just going to acknowledge that I've clearly laid out that I'm more confident in my personality and making friends than in anything physical ^_^. Ok backtracking from tangential thought...]
Hmmm maybe that's a bit to florid - basically, let's just get things steamy. But whatever it was, it clearly woke up the slumbering beast.
Maybe it was the fast turnover that makes me expect a fast resolution. Maybe I worry that I'm gonna do something to screw things up in the wrong way, and it ends up grounded before it even starts. Maybe I just really don't want to focus on studying, and to fixate is an easy distraction from it. Maybe they have the holdup, and I should just move on. Maybe I'm just super in my head and want SOMETHING to actually happen.
There are endless permutations my mind can run down as to why thing haven't jumped on the "oo-la-la" train yet.
So let's get the priorities straight. I'm not here for drama and I'm not here for fun. I've made a choice on my professional career and I'm following through with intention. What do I need to get this done?
Definitely not this titillating "will it or won't it" happen being dragged out for ages. Which brings me to the next juncture: lying in wait vs outright proposition - if it didn't simplify to this I'd be much happier.
Ultimately, I think if it comes down to it, I know I will make a call and draw the line. I have my priorities. I just really don't want to have to. It'll be work, it won't be super enjoyable, and that's just talking about my end. And the problem is it's something out of my control: I can't anticipate the outcome, I can't make it happen - there's a whole other person involved. And I really, really want things to go a certain way...
So before I turn towards the things that I know I should focus on, I'll leave you with this song and thoughts of something fun and flirty coming out of all this frustration:
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