Weighed down

Hi.

It's a seasonal thing. Everybody has those feelings. It's easier to sleep. Snails seem to speed past you, but hey, at least they are getting somewhere. Talking is too much of a bother. The thoughts just keep swirling down deeper.

Sometimes the downward pull is stronger. There isn't enough upward force to pull you back into the regular sinusoidal patterns of life. The earth is just slowly sinking under you. And the further down you go, the harder it is to climb out - the easier it is to fall into it, let it swallow you.

You're not considering ending things, you're not that kind of person, not that selfish. But the world is just... hard.

You're trapped under a rock-slide. You've made some bad decisions. You're not where you hoped to be. Things are changing, but inertia is hard to resist. Where is this all supposed to end?

It's lonely. It's isolating. You mask what's happening inside, don't worry them. You keep to yourself.

Which is the irony. They are the load bearing walls - the integral support structures. You are fortunate to have them; you're not truly alone. That they care enough to be there for you. That to rely on them gives you the leg up to work back to the surface.

A buoy to latch onto for relief. Finally take a deep breath. Gather your will. Your courage to take action. Shed the trappings of weight.

I've thought about writing it out when I was stuck. It's definitely a well-studied therapeutic practice. But I never found the willpower to do it. It somehow is easier to talk about it after the fact.

I definitely realized this time around was different. Sure, I said I was in a funk - not in a good place -  which was the pretty way of saying I was outright depressed. Usually the right kind of music can pull me out of a funk, but I couldn't be bothered to even turn on a playlist - all the music was the wrong music.

I knew it wasn't just one issue on my mind that was weighing me down, it was a pile of worries and issues.

Everything hits harder when you are in that place. My sensitivity was off the charts. I was basically a growing pile of mental bruises.

What it took was for the dam to break. An emotional release. Essentially a really good purging cry (I swear it's a thing for me). And letting go of my pride, admitting it was bad - that I was not ok.

Right now, I have a lot on my plate to resolve. A lot of actions to follow through with. Because life is hard work. It's the ups and downs that sometimes create a perception that it's not.

P.S.: It kinda blows my mind that I synced with a song (Warrior) by two sisters that are a decade younger than me... And it's totally awesome that they've completely produced their latest album. And they were the first to be picked up by Beyonce's imprint!