All that's left is to accept it

Hi.

I realized that just after posting my awesome list of what I want to read, I ended up uncovering another series that my brother uploaded, and furiously started reading it... only to discover that he not only hadn't uploaded all the books released so far but the series isn't even complete... as if I need another series to run around after... (if you are curious, it is the Godstalker Chronicles - a very good read in my opinion, I just wish I could read it to the end... though some books you never want end... sigh, ok I'm getting extremely side-tracked here)

Hmm, let's see... now how do I start this without making it seem like I want pity...

As I have been immersed in going to work, taking care of da bills - you know just keeping regular life moving forward - I've become a bit resigned. I mean sure it's a little sad and disappointing, but I realize that, if I end up getting married, it'll be someone my parents found for me.

So let's dissect this statement, starting with the second half.

I am so busy. I have literally no time just to breathe with the way work is right now. I go home to make dinner and then sleep. I can't even find the energy to get laundry done or any house keeping chores during the week. I even have to go to work on the weekends on occasion. I love that I get to work, and despite the tedious parts, I like the work. But I feel like it's so hard to make free time, and I'm just happy when I can spend half an hour relaxing by the beach.

On top of which I find that it's quite difficult to go out when you're on your own. I mean, I could meet people at a bar or something like that, but I mean usually trying to meet there results in something else entirely.

And I really don't think a bar-like setting is the place to really meet someone. Sure you could meet your future partner there, but I feel like it needs more of a social situation. More often than not it's just too loud to actually get to know someone. I think those places are more for going out with people you already know.

Sure, I'm getting to know different people, but the problem with working at a start up (especially a new one) is that there are only a few of us, and it's quite hard to hang out outside of work when you're in different stages in life. A) I don't have kids. B) I'm in that weird transition point b/t college and work where I don't have enough funds to really spend them all over the place. C) I'm the youngest employee and the only one who hasn't grown up/ lived in the Chicago area before - therefore the only one w/o acquaintances in the area.

Well, at least since our company is connected to a university, and I'm at that lab frequently enough to get to know the graduate students there. I can definitely say those folks are more like minded, but I'd probably more befriend these people than marry them. Though group hanging out may lead to meeting other people - so I guess I'll wait till an outing for the lab happens?

Now you may ask, why wouldn't I consider any of those people as potential spouses? Well see there's the other part about how my parents would like me to marry an Indian (with the corresponding filters: South Indian > Iyengar > Kannada). And well, I can't really see any reason not to, considering that it'll make my parents happy if I do.

Sure I'm not against marrying someone who isn't Indian. But I'd have to meet that person first. And I'm probably always unconsciously only considering Indian guys. So I wouldn't be considering non-Indian guys seriously. Then I'd probably discount a potential guy... Yeah, sure there are pros and cons to marrying an Indian/non-Indian, but keeping it "in the family" isn't really gonna hurt.

Of course there is also that minor feeling my parents have, of showing up the other Indian parents back home with how I married an Iyengar boy, that doesn't have any real weight on the decision. But well, I haven't met a non-Indian whom I am willing to press back against my parents wishes...

So back to the first part of the statement - the "if" of marriage.

There are many levels to this understanding I've come across, but I guess you could say it really boils down to trusting someone enough that I could share a life with them and be happy. And I'm sure I've covered this to death or at least I seem to have in my head.

But first, let's start with first impressions.

I have the capacity to judge people very quickly. And some of that comes from a checklist of what I prefer in a guy. This of course is an extremely superficial judgment, and a guy's personality can supersede them. But the fact is that I will never consider them seriously without the following.

I have an inclination towards guys that are taller, with a good build (let's avoid the skin and bones folk). Reasoning: I like to where heels and not tower over my partner, in cases of cuddling I'd like something to cuddle into, and I'd like to feel petite next to my partner (I'm a little vain I know, but this is the superficial stuff).

If I want to nitpick, I'd like there to be some muscle behind that build, and a height of 5'10" and up. Frankly, I like to touch, and I appreciate a sculpted form (and definitely show my appreciation for said form *cough cough*). But if I cut away being open to one and all, I have a higher standard for the level of fitness for a guy than for even myself. And I mentally dismiss potentials if they don't hold to that standard. Now mind you, I'm not asking for model quality - but I definitely won't accept too much squishy.

Now, say a guy meets the "bar" on these standards, or I manage to move past this. What do I do with the question of physical intimacy?

When you meet someone through your parents, especially through Indian parents, that kinda intimacy isn't really something that gets on the table. It's more of a deal with it, and if it's not great whatever. Ultimately, it's probably the least important thing to consider.

Knowing myself, I absolutely will need someone to snuggle, hug, and kiss. And frankly, I could probably live without anything more (aside from the whole baby making part). But the question is, should I settle for that?

I mean there are things I still haven't explored in that area, or discovered about myself in that arena. So is it really ok to let that go?

I've said that I want to test the goods before buying, but what if it doesn't fit? Or even worse, what if he just doesn't know how to kiss, and I'm the "experienced" one, with what little I do know? I could end up being just too plain bossy and completely destroy things. Having experienced that flame of attraction, should I just accept something lukewarm?

A part of me really balks at those questions, telling me not to settle - not to accept that. And the other part reminds me of the times where I've just missed the physical comfort.

However, those questions take a back seat to the question of getting to know someone. I see the issue as twofold.

It's easy for me to get to know people, at least superficially. There is the persona that I wear and there are the parts of me that I'm willing to share.

I'm usually close to what I think is the best version of myself to the general public. I'm a little (or a lot) quirky/weird, with a friendly, happy/optimistic disposition and oodles of energy. But that's only a part of me. With those I'm truly close to, I'm bossy, I yell, I get into explosive arguments, sulk, and just hate life. Considering that I'm completely that person with only close family who I grew up with and only one friend, HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO BE ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

Ok, sure it's not impossible. But what I ponder is will I be able to make the transition from persona to fully me when I haven't done that with too many others? It's hard for me to imagine that happening. Maybe it is because of the way I grew up, where you never showed your real feelings publicly. But I have lots of doubts considering the success rate.

As an acquaintances there are certain versions of my life that I share, that my close friends know differently. There are also the big secrets and subjects I've understood as taboo.

Given that any guy I'll meet will start out as a stranger, they'll get the "public" version of history. So will they accept the "private" version even with the conflicts? Will I able to trust them enough to share the "private" version, to treat them as a partner - a confidant - in the way a life partner should be? Not being able to do so with a spouse can lead to the stress that weighs one down, adds years to life. I should know.

Ultimately, I hold off on making the blank statement that I will never marry. Sure I have those times when I wallow, imagining being that cool aunt that never marries, or the woman who has a kid on her own. But I know I want to have someone I can share my life with - who'll be there for me, as I am there for him.

I just believe it is probably a one in a hundred kind of odds. I mean, I'm not willing to just jump into the pool for the sake of jumping in the pool. There are too many chances for that to go wrong. And well, I might just also be commitment shy.


After all, it's gotta be someone that I can come to love, and surely, that isn't going to be any kind of ordinary love - it'll be epic.

THE NOT SO ORDINARY SONG 

AND

 THE EPIC SONG