Emotional Shit

Hi.

So as promised, here is the post I had meant to write probably a week ago. But it's still in the month of August so I say I'm still in the clear.

Anyways, I figure it's time to have a straight talk about my body. Specifically changes in said body (and mind), that have given me quite some pause.

Seriously, I think I can cry on command.

Haha, ok, that's not what I meant, but it's a part of it. As some of you know I have been on a hormone regimen for little over a year now, and I think I'm finally at a point where I can see how that treatment has affected me long term. And seeing the difference, I can really see how non-hormonal I was.

Now let's start at the beginning. Well somewhere close to the beginning - let's say 4-6 months after the start - the usual time it takes to "fully" adapt to the new hormone regulation. To be honest, at that point I really couldn't tell much. There was a bit of weight gain, there was a slight flux of sexual appetite, and of course the expected menstrual regulation.

Most of these symptoms (aside from the latter) disappeared in the following months and it seemed like all was normal. Later it was followed by a discovery that my curves had gotten curvier, just by a bit, but enough that I can tell.

But then I started noticing the mental changes - especially the emotional ones. And with this clarity I can see it's effect on my relationships at that time.

Now, you might ask yourselves, how could I really gauge my emotional changes? I mean considering we are dynamic creatures, we already change and adapt as the circumstances of our lives move forward. And I agree with that. As I've explored in the past, I've opened up emotionally, etc, etc...

So let me start with my constants. My mother is a very "hormonal" woman - she just naturally produces a lot of hormones (I won't get into the real details of this. It's not need to know stuff). My personality has a large basis in logical gains/losses and a kind of emotionally detached outlook. This means I'm not really big on feelings or displays of unhappy emotions.

So over the years, I've found myself getting more inclined to become teary eyed - a part of opening up to others I guess. For example, I was the only dry eyed audience member at a showing of The Notebook, wondering why it induced such blubbering from the others. A few years down the line, watching Bridge to Terebithia in college, I found the ending clouding my vision.

This I expected. What I didn't expect was the tear jerk reaction to any and all ridiculous "emotional" scenes, I mentally scoff at. Or the sound of the music typically played during said scenes causing teary eyes. Seriously, as I get this tug I'm thinking, "What the hell?'. There is literally no actual feeling of empathy going on - I am still mentally disconnected from the sappy scenes, but I still get teary eyed.

But before you say, oh, it could just be a physiological thing, where your eye just tears. That would be true if it was just one eye. This on the other hand is a 2-eye overflow.

And this is the tip of the iceberg, if you will. I've found myself falling under crushing blows of sadness, that I cannot fathom the reason for. It's just an overwhelming wave of emotion - be it sadness, frustration, or anger.

Trust me when I say that experiencing the last two emotions that frequently is highly unusual. At most I'd experience one day in a month (usually near that time of the month) where everything is irritating and fuels my anger. But going for once a week? Man that's way off the charts.

And what made it doubly worse? My capacity and inclination to hold a grudge seems to have risen by the same factor... Man, sometimes I wonder at how vicious my thoughts have become.

What is also so different, is that many times the emotion overrides the logic in my mind. In the past, I am quick to come to the conclusion that I am just irritable or quick anger that day. With more current events, I find that I am completely lost or taken over by the emotion.

At times I end up coming to the conclusion that I'm an emotional time bomb, and you never know when it'll blow. For usually having my emotions under wraps, it feels like such a burden to have to deal with them when they escape that control.

I think the final point that cemented the idea that the hormones were actually messing with my emotions was when I could see myself behaving like my mother with respect to my emotion states. It was probably the biggest shock because I consider myself one of the more rational folks in my household.

You could also say that being at home for so long was just simply influencing me negatively in that way, but I think it goes beyond that. Because the little things bug me to a higher degree than before. And sure emotion isn't ever a bad thing, but this state makes me feel out of whack. It's as if I can't bounce back as easy.

The problem with figuring the emotional effects of actually having more hormones in my system, is that it gives me insight into my behavior and relationships and makes me wish I had understood this earlier. I feel like I might have messed things up more than I would have if I hadn't been so emotionally compromised.

So let's see what happens now. Despite the acknowledgment and awareness, I hope I might be able to make a difference. But maybe it won't and it's time to look into taking a break from this regimen and get back to the me from before.

But for now, I shall take advantage of my overactive tear ducts, and use them to my own end. A few crocodile tears won't hurt anyone now, will they?


So I couldn't decide between these songs, so I'll give you both: