That spot between a rock and a hard place

Hi.

So if there's one thing I seem to know how to do, it's being mediator between my mother and my brother. I don't know when it seemed to become my 24/7 job description, but I can tell you that it is most definitely nothing to be ecstatic about. In fact being the go between just gets worse when you have been raised to do what you parents ask without question - leaving you in the middle and most definitely with no time on your hands.

Of course this sort of thing probably wasn't so severe prior to my return home, and more so before the rat race to get my brother packed and shipped off to India for the summer.

I don't regret moving back home because I've been able to get much closer to my brother, since I actually get a chance to spend time with him. Essentially despite our less frequent sibling disputes, our relationship has matured to an extent and it's not just our similarities that keep us close. The issue that comes into play is that my brother has yet to understand how to properly communicate with the parentals - which is where I come into translate ('cause it's not like my parents have found a way to make him understand their words either... it's a 2 way street here).

So then, in their moments of anger, worry, and high tension, they turn to me: the convenient and only apparent path to my brother. So my role as an older sister gets an additional injection of pseudo-mom plus task master, messanger, errand runner, and parental surveillance and intelligence agency. And pretty much all of that seems to strain on me and my ability to be a secure confidant to my brother.

And why does that frustrate me so much? Well, he's the closest to my heart.

Of course, the nature of our proximity seems to change as we grow older and mature. But it has always been there.

Discounting the early stages of our relationship, where I had apparently thought he was a temporary visitor, only there for as long as my grandparents stay with my mother during her pregnancy, which I have no personal recollection of I think we were close almost from the very beginning. One of my earliest memories of my brother is from the second baby photo shoot my mother planned for him. What I recall is his immediate calming when I held him mid-shoot. According to my mother, he had been fussing and distracted the entire time, only to settle the minute I was holding him. And taking advantage of such serenity, the photographer made the executive decision to place me in the shoot along with him, in my cute casual-wear of the day (those of you who know me might recall a certain profile picture of mine).

As we grew older, that relationship changed to that of playmates, in spite of our 4.5 year age difference. Our games were imaginative, giving life to chargeable race cars or LEGO sets. And of course with my larger size and stature I was the stronger one who won all of our wrestling matches (though I somewhat remember us being animals in the jungle or Sahara...). We made forts with pillows and blankets when we went to sleep, and I'd be his human sized teddy bear when I woke up the next morning.

Such connection as playmates remained the same as I entered middle school, along with the new titles of primary adversary. Basically, we learned that we could really get on each others nerves in ways that really no one else could. And fights got quite physical, involving the theft of the other's valued possessions, and of course the blame game when we were intercepted by our mother. I can't really say that we've outgrown that part of our relationship - right before my brother left, we got into it with each other... also when I realized that I no longer had the advantage of size and strength on him. But it's still down to its all time low ^_^.

Then towards the end of high school, I made a break through of sorts about my relationship with my brother. I came to the realization that I truly love my brother, and when I said I love you, it wasn't just a phrase. I actually meant it - not that it made the fighting any less ^_^. But I do know that we started to share our interests in recreational reading, and we were becoming each other's confidants: whether it was a pact to keep a misdemeanor from our parents or just little secrets here and there.

That factor of our relationship began to grow probably at the time I began to change as a person (they seem to correlate in my mind). It's grown to the point that now we can have conversations for hours at a time, talking about legit life stuff, or just another topic. We share our honest opinions, I'm slowly introducing him to the world of alcohol at his request, and we've even gotten to the point where we can talk to each other about the hanky panky stuff (albeit highly awkwardly on his part... let's just say I know folks who have pushed past my original embarassment with that sorta thing). And let us not forget the most crucial part, we never fail warn each other of the impending doom that is known as the parental wrath ^_^.

Now, with him out of the country, despite our online conversations, both of us have come to miss the free hours we had to get coffee, food or even sneak away to a movie together, since we both seem to miss that physical closeness.

But regardless of the stage of our relationship, I know that I will always try my best to protect and support my brother no matter what - no one, and I mean no one, but me gets off taunting my brother verbally or otherwise - because ultimately, only I have love behind all the words.

And what amazes me the most is that from almost the moment we met, my brother has always respected me, trusted me without a question, and given my thoughts attention he doesn't even afford my parents at times. No matter how I beat him up or tortured him in the past, he has stayed constant in his attitude towards me, a big reason why he is one of my few confidants.

So when I'm forced to reveal the information he has confided in me, I feel dishonorable, traitorous even to betray his trust like that. He's my little brother who trusts me, lets me give him hugs and kisses in public, and bares my random, public craziness, because he's a little crazy too. He's someone who has never spilled my secrets to our parents, and here I am doing just that. I'm scared that having to do that might eventually tear away at that connection, leaving me stranded and alone among "family" - alone. Without my brother.

Does that mean I'm left to choose between my respect, and therefore implied obedience, to my parents and my relationship with my brother? Because when it comes down to it, I have a feeling that'll I'll chose my brother. He is the first person I realized my life would be empty without, the only person who I know I love completely and unconditionally, without a doubt. I don't think I can survive the bleak outlook that would result if I lost him.


I can only hope that in his absent-minded-professor-ness, he can ignore my grievous errors, to be there when I feel like falling down - and carry each other back home:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgWAUNOMFMk&feature=related