Disclaimer:
I began writing this more than a month ago, and I am most definitely too lazy to re-edit the introduction.
And this post has a dictated soundtrack, so unless you have the data... no reading on mobile devices :P
And, now you may proceed ^_^
April, May - months that don't really end much, but very much like the nature of spring itself, they are months of many endings and beginnings have happened for me, full of events that have no undo button, locked behind bars in the dungeons of my mind. But like an echo, traces of their presence linger in my memories, to haunt me again and again and again.
And once I turn my mind to past events, visions of altered actions and possibilities of future events race through my mind. Even if I stand up and push away such thoughts, I seem to return to those thoughts with a renewed vigor fueled by recent events, despite every logical fiber of my brain screaming the delusional nature of such futures.
It's like I can't seem to escape the pull of these treacherous dreams. And it makes me wonder, given the fact that I can't seem to escape their orbit, can I really make claim that I have moved on, when I'm still trapped by their gravitational pull?
Now I'm sure everyone has experienced it at one point or another, the times when you are consumed by a certain thought, directed emotion, person, etc. You can't help but gush or explode constantly about someone or something non-stop. And no, I don't mean the little things that get you super excited in the middle of the day and you are like totally like unable to like stop whining about the like amazing things and like the retarded people out in the world. I refer to things that sit with you for days upon days - that consume you so much that you can't help up raise the point (sometimes from left field) to anything that walks and talks.
Unfortunately, I can never manage to prevent certain serious outbreaks and I only recognize the results: I've told every Tom, Dick, and Harry about it (which bugs the hell out of me as you may know from My Little Secrets) and/or I finally realize mid-gush that it is currently the tenth time I have relayed my thoughts to the same person (but I feel bad for them, having to listen to me continually talk about it so I stop >.>).
But regardless of the delivery of such obsession the common denominator is the high focus. Personally, I think it comes from an standstill or lack of control over a situation one is placed in (which can be a wonderful situation, it's just that sometimes there's a pause in the happiness and you can't rush the pause to return to the happiness). So your brain just continues to direct your thoughts back to said situation.
For some people, it might be about food, the idiots they have to work with or even the retarded friends they have. I seem to have 2 points of gravitation: when it comes to guys and people who indirectly do shit because they secretly hate me. But the latter has happened at most twice, and is kind of boring to talk about. Soooo we'll talk about guys - or I guess in this sense boys. In particular boys that have some sort of romantical connection to my life.
I guess with most of my life, I am in control. I usually get to do what I want when it comes to the people who I hang out with, I tend to organize the events we hang out (at times a very tedious procedure - which I plan to elaborate at some point), and if not, I manage to come to a compromise in which I'm always happy. And I like to confront things head on, without too much sneaky behavior, because you can control it when you are the one making the first bold move. Basically, there aren't many points in my life that really cause me stress... aside from my future and relationships.
Press Play ^_^.
When it comes to my future, I'm constantly being bombarded with the worries of well-wishing parentals, which somehow manages to reduce my stress. And I am close-lipped about it (I don't like people all up in my future grill), the occasional heart to heart with bosom buddies helps relieve the stress of that pressure cooker. But when it comes to boys, it's entirely a different ball game. Basically, there's a conflict of what I think/wish could be there and well the minds of boys.
Guys as friends is no stress at all. It's a simple relationship entirely - in fact sometimes easier to deal with than being friends with girls. I'm pretty hands off with my friendships; they will happen as they do. It's probably that mentality that makes it easier to get along with guys. But when it comes to understanding them with respect to a romantic mentality or the possibility of something more than a friendship, I have NO FREAKING CLUE. And that drops me right in the middle of I can't control what the hell happens.
Now I do have a very close guy friend who I occasionally bring my circling thoughts to (not always considering sometimes I like to fantasize, which is what talking to girls is awesome for, and I don't want a reality check - it kills the buzz sometimes). And it provides great insight. But it clashes with my day dreams. And the fact is, I'm so unsure that I chicken out of confronting said potential or romantic interest about what the hell is going on. Instead I relive moments in my mind and extrapolate several possible futures, which are invariably proved wrong by the actual future (really the only times I'm not even a bit right about what I anticipate will occur).
But somehow even my constant circling over these guys sometimes leads me to breakthroughs. Take for example me three months ago:
I was absorbed with thoughts of a boy, with whom things had ended but an ending without closure. I still did not know what he thought of me, and I still could not stop thinking of him in without a rose tinted mentality. With an imminent meeting on the horizon, I was torn between confronting him and his feelings for me and just taking the physical. In the end, I did neither, leaving with a taste of what could have been and left playing the same tracks, over-loading my mind that I spent a good portion of an hour relaying this to my friend.
Fast forward a month, and with all the circling I had done, I managed to come to a semi-conclusion: I wanted him for his body, I wanted to use him to satisfy myself (in hind sight, I blame the solitude I have back home and the hormones from a recently started contraceptive). I mean, given the past and the latest interaction we had, all signs still pointed to the fact that I had a claim on him. And all these imagined expectations that kept me floating on an incredible high.
So of course given the delusional nature of my thoughts I had prepared myself for a certain amount of disappointment. The timing just might not work out. In no way did I think those hopes would be torn away because he was boinking some other bimbo-twit (ok, I'm judgmental, but after hearing about her, meeting her as I did, and well the fact that she was the "next" girl, well how can you blame me?).
The result? Well, aside from the initial feelings of shock and betrayal, I just wish I had been prepped. No one likes their delusions killed in such a manner.
But as the days passed, my cyclic thoughts began turning in different directions. One that occasionally keeps haunting me is How can he go from ME to HER? How? There is no way I can answer that and there's no way I would ask. I managed, using the pretense of friends, to sate my other curiosities of the boinking set up (not the actual boinking details mind you, I'm not a guy and I don't want to know the salacious mechanics).
Don't forget to press play! ^_^
However, the more pressing issue that really just kept muddling me up was his behavior. At that point in time, I was thoroughly muddled by his behavior, and trust me, I'm not the only one who thought it was odd.
Exhibit A:Now, recall of my thoughts: What the hell? I think that's pretty much it really... well that and, did he just ask me to sit on his crotch?!?!?! - You get the drift. Thankfully I think much faster than you read, for after that spaz, I took a I-don't-register-that-you-are-asking-me-to-sit-on-your-thwang-indirectly-cuz-we're-just-friends-so-alright-attitude, and sat down.
Chillin' at his apartment with the gang, and he lies down on the futon to watch the television. I, finding opportunity, choose to attack, killer mixed martial artist style, with an elbow to the solar plexus. (I mean come on... it was like he was begging for it to happen). Of course, I actually inflict damage upon the futon, and so decide, that I'd like to take a seat. Given that he had centered himself upon the futon, I plopped down on his upper abdomen: perfectly non-suggestive location to sit on a male person. However, he fidgets, making me stand, slips a pillow over his nether regions and says, "Ok, you can sit now."
Obviously, the cynics would say, it's just uncomfortable to have someone sitting on your gut (to which I say guess what? I have a younger brother who loves doing just that and I managed - but I guess some people are woosies) and he was being practical. Who wouldn't be turned on by a girl sitting on their crotch... it's really just biological and has absolutely nothing to do with a particular individual. Fine. I get that. But still, I expected him to shift over and give me room on the actual futon, not place me on his wang-doodle. Why? because of past experience, that's why: that kind of
Exhibit B:Now, I could recall my thoughts for you, but I'm pretty sure you know what they'll be at this point. And here's the thing. I could tell it wasn't just me. Glancing over at his roommate and my lovely friend (who were mid goodbye), I could see their "wtf" expressions. I actually cannot remember how the events flowed from that point to our exit. But I am quite certain that I was suave and sarcastic as usual (it's my fallback when I have no clue how to act). I think I let slip the rest of the memories, just because I was so out at sea with that moment. I don't think anyone I've spoken to has given me a plausible reasoning, aside from my thoughts of momentary fancy on his part. (Frankly, some outside input would be greatly appreciated... even after 2 months it kinda bugs me...).
After staying till the end of a party, we stop off at his apartment so that I can pick up my umbrella, before I head back with the lovely woman whose apartment I was staying in. Once I bid adieu to his roommate, I hugged him farewell, adding a comment on how itchy his face feels. [Ok, back story: he hadn't shaved in ages, and his scruff - well it was a really a beard at that point. Basically, a lot of facial hair]. So in response, he leans down and rubs his cheek across mine.
Exhibit C:Most likely due to the preoccupation I hadn't really spared more than a moment's puzzlement, before resuming my harmonic singing and leaving him be. (I mean I did mention before I had a younger brother who likes to use me as a pillow, and on occasion bed...). And there were a few other moments like this, where all the closeness we had shared, say with just the two of us or post-coitus, manifested itself in public at these random points in time.
Random acts of touching and being physical. For example: I happened to be kneeling on the futon (yes, we hang out a lot at his apartment, but at this point I was there jamming with his roommate and others), stomach pressed against the back of the futon to face the keyboard standing behind the furniture. Amid the musical revelry, he plops down on the sofa turning on the tv (with mute) and leans against my entire side, resting his head in the curve of my waist.
Ultimately, from the various view points I have managed to collect, and the true understanding that comes with knowing no intimate relations between us beyond friendship would have worked (basically, it's a waste of energy), it seems that all of his behavior stemmed from his attempt at being an actual friend. I present the collaboration of thoughts:
Speculation A:Basically, he was afraid that if we were intimate, I'd think we were dating last year. So now that the wonking was off the table, casual gestures no longer carry a potential misunderstanding.
No longer burdened with his apparent "worry" that I might misconstrue any intimate interaction as something of a relationship, he is free to treat me as he would any other close female friend.
Speculation B:Frankly, I've discovered that I am a very physical person - in the sense that I feel like a human being when I'm in contact with people. Basically, I like to give and receive hugs; I lean on people or let them lean on me; I use people like furniture and allow myself to be a cushion in return. This is especially so with my close friends, both guys and gals. So, seeing my interactions with them, he decided that emulating them was a way to show that we are friends.
Seeing how I am with my close friends, he is attempting to mimic such behavior to establish we are also friends of that nature.
Speculation C:Really, just thinking about all the possibilities (since I haven't bothered to ask him directly) takes up a huge amount of brain power. Actually, all of my concentration to the extent that it's tiring. I see no future for the two of us other than friendship, so any speculation otherwise is really a waste of time. So if I just stay true to my own conviction, then I will simply reason any weird behavior on his part as his way of friendship. And it's really as simple as that.
Just take my word for it.
Now, that that's out of the way, and no longer rolling around in my brain... Oh wait, here comes a new conundrum.... joy.
Clearly, just as the sun rises and sets, my mind, once freed, is bound to be caught by the next confusion complex:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nSw1RqtaRA
P.S.: in case you'd like to take a second listen, here are the tracks for this post once more:
No comments:
Post a Comment