Just the other day, I got a "save the date" from a friend of mine from college. She's a year older than me, was a chemical and biomolecular engineering major and my co-choreographer the first year and a half that I was a captain for my classical Indian dance team. That being said, when we first met, I knew nothing about who she was - in my head, she was just a serious, talented dancer. But due to the lengths of time, the close quarters, and teaching moments that come with choreographing for a dance team, I got to know just how funny and crazy she really is (let's just say that we got along really well, despite the conflicting ideas and obstinate personalities on either ends). Regardless, she was a very close friend of mine.
So you're probably wondering why I mentioned the whole save the date thing. Well, I've been invited to her wedding.
Looking back at friends from high school and the community, or even just people that I knew, this isn't really a big deal. I mean, I know people who already have a kid, if not 2. And aside from the momentary surprise, I'm just happy for them - hey, it's not my life, and I wish them the best. But when people closer to you, from a more similar background as you are getting married, it hits a lot closer to home.
And of course I start thinking of my older friends who are still looking for their future spouses and can't imagine how they feel when that opportunity has skipped over them to someone younger. It even makes me worry a bit. Even though I've already taken on my mother's hope that I'll be married before I turn 30 and I've barely made progress, it seems as though I don't have much time left and what I hope for may never happen. Of course, I am simply relying on my past experiences, which haven't led me down the most satisfactory of directions (not that I would change much if I could... ^_^).
I realize that my life isn't stable right now, but with the addition of my "evil" cousin's wedding in July, somehow weddings are a lot more on my mind. I mean, my goals don't really include a guy right now, and if they did, it would be just exploring dating, making my mistakes, figuring out at least how to survive the labyrinth called a relationship.
When my mother brings up my wedding ceremony with her worries as to how the ceremony will go, the ways in which most current weddings drop their traditions and with them the religious meaning that follows, or when she sternly reminds me that I'll be footing the bill of my wedding and the money spent will be on a single day for both wedding and reception, I usually would just nod my head yes and move on. [Ok, that was a long sentence, and if the grammar is incorrect, well deal with it :P.]
Oh! I almost forgot! Here is my musical selection to brighten your reading experience ^.^
But when I start thinking about venues for the reception I'd love, defending my dedication to being a South-Indian, and getting pissed off at my mother for the fact that she needs a place with at least a 400 person capacity for the ceremony (and on top of it all suggests a local convention center that has no aesthetic or appealing ambiance), I realize that I'm no longer that detached about that part of my future. The little blips of ideas that have slowly accumulated in my head are starting to clot together, forming an unedited, amateur story board of my wedding and reception.
Now sure, there are some things that were taken for granted from the start. Like the fact that I am having a traditional South-Indian wedding (for those of you who know, an Iyengar one specifically). Or that, though it is more of a North-Indian tradition, I will be having intense, intricate mendhi done on my hands/arms and feet. Even the fact that I will have a bridal entourage, not bridesmaids, but a few of my closest friends and family with no matching outfits. Obviously. I also know that the priests at my temple, who seen me grow up, will be presiding over the puja. The music I play at my reception will be a mix of Indian and Western, old and new. And the utmost important thing is, that I will be a queen on my wedding day. You will be able to tell that I'm the bride, because no one will be dressed as grandly as I.
Of course, all of this is moot without the guy. And right now, I have less than a decade left to find him. Sometimes it worries me, sometimes I'm trying to get over someone else, and sometimes I could care less who the guy actually is.
I look at the people I associate with (strong, independent, wonderful ladies of course ^_^), and of all of them, this upcoming wedding is only the second out of all of them. And both of them have married guys their parents found and introduced.
Now sure, I believe that arranged marriages are archaic. They started out with good intentions (making sure that the daughter will be married to someone who can make her happy). Dowries similarly started out with good intentions, but mixed with arranged marriages and being twisted into a bride price of sorts, just created a society of female subjugation - another whole issue I have on certain warped/outdated practices in India. Getting back to the point, when you are making a life long commitment with someone, making sure you understand who they are first takes more than just a few meetings with parents supervising the interaction.
However, being introduced to someone by your parents is something that I can agree with. It's quite similar to how you might get introduced to someone through your friends or meeting new people through social events held by friends. It's what I prefer when it comes to meeting someone, because when you meet others who are acquainted with people you hang out with, you know that at some level you could get along with them and they would belong to the same strata of society as you.
But the difference is that when parents introduce you, they try to consider someone who would have the similar cultures or traditions as you, or people with good futures ahead of them. And the best part is, if you don't end up getting along, then there is no absolute that you have to marry anyone. At least this is what my mother assures me of in the case she does start lining up guys for me to meet ^_^.
Ultimately, I'm ok with a parental coordinated meeting because what really decides who I shall marry is their qualities as a spouse. I have always known that I want to raise my children in an Indian home, with an awareness and understand of not just the religion, but the culture, the arts, the cuisine, the language, the fashion, the society, the list goes on. This is because I have a lot of pride in being Indian and it's taken me a while to get to that point growing up in the US. And my husband will understand that and support that goal. It's also important that he agrees in the education of the arts, both Indian and Western, and does not ask me to sacrifice that choice. My husband should be an active part of my children's lives, because it's important that parenting is done equally by both. I don't think I'd ever be able to budge on these stances, just because they involve my potential children.
When it comes to myself, I have a different sort of criteria. Yes, ideally he will be Mr. Quincy as I've described him (at least mostly like Mr. Quincy ^_^). But there are other factors when it comes to someone you will live with for the rest of your life, such as the basic understanding of who I am, which comes from a trust I feel with him: he should be my confidant.
My husband must respect who I am: all facets of myself. This means understanding that I want to work and raise children, but also that those responsibilities at home and around the house must be shared. He also must be my staunch defender and lobbyist where ever we go (including at extended family events). A big factor is that my husband must get along with my immediate family and the family members I respect. It's a basic fact that when you marry and Indian, you marry their family.
A final point, that's very much for me, is that my husband must be willing to spice things up every once in a while. I'm not just talking about in the bedroom (though that counts too). I mean that he should love to go travel the world and explore new things. It could be trying a new restaurant, or going to the symphony. The fact is, that there should be some sort of effort involved - a constant interest in being with me and just me (not just physically ^_^). We should still be able to go out on dates no matter how many years have passed. It's a fact that sometimes you have to change things up and make a bit of the same effort you did when you first start dating someone.
In the end, here's the deal. Given I find the guy, no matter how I find the guy, I have brainstormed a first draft blue print of the structure of my wedding day. In accordance with my mother's wishes, I will have a morning wedding in a location that will be able to hold any relatives (both ones I like and flat out hate) and the entire Indian community (or at least the portion my mother wishes to invite). As with any brown function, we will feed the guests - but only feed them lunch. Fit in a photo shoot somewhere in there, and then we move location: to the private, much more intimate gathering of my choosing (and maybe a few of my husband's), decorated in vibrant colors filling the space with a warm energy. And here we party till the night ends!
But of course, this whole plan depends on meeting Mr. Quincy, my ideal guy, but more importantly my ideal husband. And once I do, I'll most definitely be alright:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlvPfstx_20
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