And that's all folks! Haha... just kidding. I'm actually back - I think. No wait... I'm back ^_^. But really, I'm back home. It's been a really tense last few weeks. So every so often when I'd check back on Eclipsed and see all the page views, I felt a little bubble of joy that people were checking back, whether it was for the song on repeat or just to see if I had posted. Now, to make up for my lack of posting almost this entire month, I have a loooong post for you today, with several songs to along with your reading (please forgive any errors, it was a long one to write and edit). Just as a warning, it is a long post, but I hope that you'll keep reading to the end (no matter how many attempts it takes =D)! I think I'm probably collapsing several posts into one here, but since it's been a few weeks since my last legitimate post, it'll be worth it ^_^.
I realized that the fact that I'm at home makes it seem like what happened over Thanksgiving may just happen again (the whole I will post, but never actually posting). But I have hopes that it won't. For unlike over Thanksgiving break, not only I am back home for longer than a week, I also don't have to do 3 loads of laundry, make an elaborate meal, sleep entire days to recover from classes, or really any of the general chaos that usually happens when I'm back at home for a week.
The only unfortunate fact of this "break" back home is that I have to re-assimilate my entire wardrobe and life into my room at home... And with the number of shoes I've accumulated over the past 2 years, it's most definitely going to be a daunting task. I don't think I quite understood the challenge until I realized that my mother's shoes are EVERYWHERE. Literally: they're on all the shelves, all over the floor, in every closet, even in the guest bedroom! Ok, so side track - I will most definitely love talking about shoes at another time, after all I'm quite addicted. But I already planned for this to be a lengthy post, so I should stop this tangent... Right... about... now. ^_^
So back to my earlier point. Being at home now is most definitely not going to prevent me from posting, simply because I won't be worked to the bone quite like before. Though I'll have to somehow manage to return to the mentality of "working" at home. Given that college was out of town, I built a connection between home and not-working. So now I need to revert to my high-school days where I actually did work at home (the little that I needed to do), to gear up and get the rest of my life in order. Like my mother famously loves to tell me, "The future is here now. You're already late." Not quite the motivational line, but it definitely gets the point across. As does the reminder of the financial burden I place on my parents (they're only getting older, the retirement funds are being used). Their constant complaint: why can't I at least get into a graduate program of some sort or even a job to relieve the burden of their worries for my future just a bit? But recently, the largest obstacle I need to overcome, to move on with my life, is the past (cliche I know >.>).
Before I continue and forget to add this later on, I provide you the playlist for the reading of this post. Today, you get to pick what you want to listen to ^_^. I've listed the songs below with a little description so that you know what you're choosing. I will post the links for these songs at least once more later on in the post, in the case that the song ends before you finish reading, so that you can choose another (I hope you'll pick a different one at least!). My personal suggestions? Either Track 1 or 2 for your first two songs, and Track 3 for the last (Track 3 inspired this post). Track 4 is there if you can't handle the gravity... So pick your musical selection and continue reading!
Track 1 : acoustic and slow
Track 2: slow pop ballad
Track 3: pop ballad
Track 4: electronica-dance-pop song
I had been convincing myself that I didn't need the old notes from the class I took freshman year, and that I would remember the important things when I wear the clothing and shoes I bought with friends or when I look through the pictures I've taken and that are on Facebook. But then I hit a wall. I don't know what it was, maybe the deeply buried fear I had of leaving or the idea of facing my future alone, but I just broke down. It was something so uncharacteristically not me. I don't cry. I don't experience moments of such gargantuan emotion. In a lot of ways I'm apathetic to most of the happenings of my life and of those around me. Sure I'll get frustrated or angry (which happens rare enough). But I never experienced the emotions that could get me to cry - and I definitely never cried from pain (I have yet to experience a physical pain that could bring me to that point). So when I found myself struggling to breathe, wiping away the tears that keep streaming down cheeks that chafed from the saturated salt water, I strove to understand what was happening with me.
Where was all of this coming from? Why were my tear ducts so trigger happy? I knew that it wasn't because I was leaving college. Sure I'd miss it, just like I missed certain things from my high school years - in a high school that I really hated being in (especially the last couple of years). Could it be the fact that I was leaving a safety blanket? Maybe a little. I remember how much I hated the experience of my freshman year in college: I didn't make friends easily; I was the shy girl (though my friends now wonder how that person could have ever existed). It took almost the entire first semester for me to find people that I felt comfortable enough to be myself around. Let's just say that it was a very lonely birthday that year. Still, the fear of having to start in a new place with new people wasn't the cause either. But that idea seemed to dance around the point just a bit.
My entire life, I have managed to make friends all over the social spectrum. My interests and my personality are so ranged that the people who "sync" with me are from so many different backgrounds and different groups socially. Which is also probably why it took till college for me to find someone that had enough in common with me to really consider a best friend (not that she's the exact same person as me or anything ^_^). I was never part of a group of people that hung out with each other frequently. I've seen other groups like that through the years, but I was always on the outside looking in, even when I was invited to join them. I just never was a part of a group like that. I was isolated, maybe because I didn't care enough to get emotionally attached or really connected with anyone. Why people cried at graduation, or when they left after their degrees were finished, I never understood. I put on what I hoped was a sad face, and hugged it out with them. The thought why are they crying, why are they so emotional? would always run through my mind as I'd pat their backs. I never had felt that way. But that most definitely changed over the last few months.
Before this fall, I had a few really close friends, people that I'd share my more private thoughts with. But with them, I had already prepared myself for the eventual loss of their company. And aside from the occasional contact with them after they left, I wasn't going to be too bereft without them. Maybe it's because that's what our relationships were. Given the hectic schedules we all carried, unless we met during dance practice or for the occasional lunch together, we didn't really see each other. And don't forget the fact that none of us live in the same place outside of college. We really are from all over the world. With my roommate, my wonderful roommate I saw every day of the entire semester, who I went on dates with because it was really just the 2 of us most of the time (I miss you!), I was ready for the separation. Why? As with most of the people I met in college, she lives far away from me (the other side of the country). And when we were apart, we still talked almost everyday via Skype, gchat, email, phone calls - we had the communication down. So yes, I'd miss her, but I could handle it, because we've done it already. Which is why this last semester was just that much more different than before.
I guess you could say it all started with my new roommate (the one that wrote the song for those of you that remember). She's a master student at my university, and of course there's a much smaller number of those than there are undergraduates. So of course you end up meeting everyone, and on top of that, everyone is much more chill. I remember the first week of classes, where she'd go out every night with the other graduate students (all at various points in graduate studies), and I was simply astounded as to how free they were to do so. Eventually, I accepted one of her invites to join them. And soon I was joining them every weekend, and even enjoying the company of a few of them (outside the big group ventures), just chilling at my place or theirs. Looking back on it, I can really say that I was finally part of a group.
We were a bit of a rag-tag group of people, but yes we were a group. Most of us were biomedical engineers and we all were older than 21 (makes hanging out just that much easier most of the time). We'd get together to hang out at bars, explore new venues in the city, or even just to have a few beers while watching a game or jamming on the keyboard. As the semester progressed, more people became a part of the group. I stopped shopping alone. If one of us needed groceries, or needed to head to Target, it would become a group venture. Unlike with the undergraduates I hung out with, there was a level of maturity (not that we were mature even a fraction of the time) - it was like they had lived a bit already. They weren't interested in just getting wasted every night. It was about getting tipsy on the rancorous company you spent the time with. I had found a group where I belonged.
And now I've left. After only 3.5 months, I'm gone. I won't get the chance to just stop by and end up spending the rest of the day with any of them. I won't be excited to go to the movies with a large group of people. I won't get to see them and hug them and be with them anymore. Yes, everyone leaves. But why did it happen that I had to leave just after I got to know them? Up to this point, I got to know who they were, what made them tick. And now I'm stranded, in a place where I have no confidence that I'll meet anyone else new. I already know that I'm going to visit them. I already have plans to visit regardless of whether or not my parents approve of my visit.
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In fact, it's not just my desire that I visit. The week before I left, while others were heading out for the short winter breaks to be followed by their return to the hectic work ahead of them, goodbyes were short. Why? Because they were all followed by a, "Oh, you're visiting anyway right?" It was as if they were also reassuring themselves that I wouldn't be gone forever, that I would be back to see them. But then I find myself worried. What if they forget about me? Yes, they insist they're so sad that I'm leaving - they wish I didn't have to - why didn't I get a job or apply for a grad program for the next year? Yet how sincere are those wishes? Will they still be thinking along those lines a few months down the line? Will they think of me when I'm not there? Will something happen that triggers a memory of me? Have I left enough behind that they won't forget about me? The idea that they could kills me inside. I feel like I made a connection with these people. They managed to get me to care about them. I've been bombarded with all their warm emotions. When it comes to them, I care. In a way that I've never cared before.
How long will it be until I find another group that I could belong in? It took me more than 20 years to find this group. How long will the memories I've made these 3 months tide me over? How will I go about refreezing myself to not feel this chronic dolor from the separation? When will I have to stop forcing myself not to listen to the songs that make me realize that I have felt more in these last 3 months than I have the rest of my life, and that it's gone? What will it take for me to no longer have to ignore the regrets I have for leaving - like bouts of medicated relief from the pain of a debilitating cancer?
Despite the sorrow that is trailing behind these 3 months, I know that I'm grateful for them. Grateful because I have learned to feel more - in a sense I've grown to understand uncharted depths of feelings. Especially as it pertains to a certain person.
As you may have gathered, I'm a fair bit of a cynic when it comes to love, just because of my past experiences. Crushes have remained crushes. I will always remember them, maybe be even still hold onto remnants in the cockles of my heart, but crushes they'll always be. I've never gotten close enough to feel anything more than an intense attachment to any of them (I never opened up to them to share secrets I keep close). Yes, I go through phases in the intensity of my like for these guys, but it is always something that passes, only to resurrect when I wish I could have someone to cuddle or while mourning the previous crushes of my life.
As has come up in conversations with friends, I don't use the word "love" lightly. Sure I will say, "Aww, I love you guys!" or "I love this song!" in the way that it has become a turn of phrase (expressing much like for something, but really a superficial level of love). But in terms of the deep meaning of loving someone, I won't use the word. I'd rather say that I deeply care for my friends. To say that I love someone, I must really evaluate my life and his or her place in it. You know how people ponder their own mortality or of others close to them? That's part of my process of evaluating my feelings for any person: what would I feel if they could never be in my life ever again? Sure it sounds morbid, but it works for me. It's also a journey where I really have to look at every detail of my life that I could otherwise ignore. Which is why I don't like to think about it. Instead I like to hide behind the idea that I'm a cynic about love. Then I don't have to delve into myself.
But of course that leaves me open to the blows that knock me out. Especially because I love to live in the ignorance that they won't be coming. In hindsight, I realize that I should have seen my current state from a mile away, had I not blinded myself to what I was experiencing. Maybe it was opening up to this group of people that just made me more susceptible to it. But maybe, I just didn't want something like this to happen given my imminent departure from the university this month. So of course, I should have realized I'd be thrown into chaos from the moment I met him. The moment I was convinced that I was going to be fine without any relationships or guys to create drama is always the time when all of my convictions get scrambled. And don't forget that the journey to this point was no smooth ride.
Remember how I mentioned the first time I hung out with my roommate's crew of grad students? That was the night I met him. He was cute, a little flirty, and there was just something. Something that made me smile, feel like anything could happen, this humming potential. It was fun. He knew how to smile, he knew how to give a hug that made you feel warm... But for it to go smoothly? I have no such luck. Of course he was taken. Long term relationship, long distance, whatever. He was off the market. Fine.
But the events after a few weeks, those are what started making it hard. Sure I convinced myself that it was fine that he had a girlfriend. I started to get to know him. I started to learn about someone I have a lot in common with. I started getting comfortable around him. I started to open up to him. I started to be myself, not some character I emit to keep others at arm's length. I started to share the secrets that are in the vault, the ones that never share, not even with my roommate. I started to learn of his life and secrets. I started to build a connection with him. I started to really like him. Did I mention he has a sense of rhythm, he likes to dance and sing, he's 5'11", and he has big hands and shoulders and gives a great hug? And maybe that would have been alright, because it would have all been one sided. I'd bear it and move on like I've done in the past. But then I wouldn't be talking about it if that's all there was now would I?
The lingering hugs, the extra 30 minute conversations delaying a departure, the constant physical contact, the looks, the dancing - they all led to the questions, the struggles not to cross that line, the inquiries of others, the speculations of others, the war zone in my mind battling between like and dislike, is he cute or a douche. I hated it. I have a line that I refuse to cross. I will not be the one to dally with a guy in a relationship. But I seriously considered it with him. If I hadn't talked it out or had the constant pep-talks of my roommate, I might have just bound over that line. The tension was boiling over the top. It was a distraction. It occupied my head to the point that I had to stop talking about it or letting my mind wander least I think about it more. Eventually I reached the stance that it was too much tension, too much drama to keep going like this. Yes, I did still like him. So I hardened myself against it and pulled away. It was working. But then again, that solution sits too nicely.
Soon after I find myself handed a key piece of information from him directly. He is no longer in a relationship. It's all a blur from there.
We hold hands. It's a chance. Others don't know about it. We make out. Others ask their questions. Now what do we do? There still is no resolution. He says he's a typical idiot of a guy. I don't see it. He says he can't do long distance. I'm just at a loss. He doesn't want to ruin our friendship. I know I'll just have to keep acting like I see him as a friend. It gets physical. Others voice their questions. I don't know what to say. He keeps his distance. It happens again. I make my resolve. I present him with an option. He hesitates. I plead my case. He still falters. I lie that I'm just using him. He takes it. I take what I can. There is a momentous moment. He suffers an emotional blow. I'm there for him. He asks for space. I give it. I want him to be happy. What does he need that I can give? I'm running out of time. I don't know if he understands. I'm impatient. He cuddles. Others assume he is mine. There are days that confuse me. We can't stop the eye contact. Exams are here. I'm still asking. There is a lull. But we still share looks. We play football. He's a Ravens fan. I'm a Steelers fan. The rivalry gets exciting. Farewells are no longer just a hug. My toothbrush has a place next to his. Am I ok? I no longer know. I insist I am. But I am melting. Time is running out. One last time. It's the last night. A department formal. He's sweet. Everyone is leaving. It's just us. I don't want to let go. We kiss. We kiss. I'm at my door. He's at his car. There is a delay. It's goodbye. The music plays. I'm drowning in it. I still have his hat. There is a hole in me. I understand the cliches now. Please don't forget me.
There are things about me that will forever be changed. I know that I will never be able to listen to Maroon 5 without thinking about him or remembering the whisper of his voice over the hum of the keyboard and the vibrations of the guitar. No longer will football be an occasional blip of interest once or twice a year. I'll remember that he loved the smell of my lip balm and the taste of my lip gloss. I won't forget the feeling of being pulled in his arms for a dance. If we meet again, we'll just be friends, won't we. What happened was just a moment in our lives, but I'll probably carry it with me the rest of my life. Thoughts of "if only" score trenches in my mind. I can't say that I loved him. But I can say that I was climbing to that summit. I can only hope I will meet someone like him in the future.
I can only wish that I knew what you felt, because I'll miss you. I'll miss your smile, when it was just for me. I'll remember the hell you put me through, the turmoil you created in me. I'll miss the way you looked at me, when I wouldn't stop talking, when you wanted to kiss me. I'll miss you because I'm not sure we'll ever be this way again. I'll miss you because the little things will fade in my memory. I'll miss you because you made me fall for you without even trying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPW3gRgXTq0
The song that got me through this post
I especially recommend track 3 if you haven't listened to it yet!
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The lingering hugs, the extra 30 minute conversations delaying a departure, the constant physical contact, the looks, the dancing - they all led to the questions, the struggles not to cross that line, the inquiries of others, the speculations of others, the war zone in my mind battling between like and dislike, is he cute or a douche. I hated it. I have a line that I refuse to cross. I will not be the one to dally with a guy in a relationship. But I seriously considered it with him. If I hadn't talked it out or had the constant pep-talks of my roommate, I might have just bound over that line. The tension was boiling over the top. It was a distraction. It occupied my head to the point that I had to stop talking about it or letting my mind wander least I think about it more. Eventually I reached the stance that it was too much tension, too much drama to keep going like this. Yes, I did still like him. So I hardened myself against it and pulled away. It was working. But then again, that solution sits too nicely.
Soon after I find myself handed a key piece of information from him directly. He is no longer in a relationship. It's all a blur from there.
We hold hands. It's a chance. Others don't know about it. We make out. Others ask their questions. Now what do we do? There still is no resolution. He says he's a typical idiot of a guy. I don't see it. He says he can't do long distance. I'm just at a loss. He doesn't want to ruin our friendship. I know I'll just have to keep acting like I see him as a friend. It gets physical. Others voice their questions. I don't know what to say. He keeps his distance. It happens again. I make my resolve. I present him with an option. He hesitates. I plead my case. He still falters. I lie that I'm just using him. He takes it. I take what I can. There is a momentous moment. He suffers an emotional blow. I'm there for him. He asks for space. I give it. I want him to be happy. What does he need that I can give? I'm running out of time. I don't know if he understands. I'm impatient. He cuddles. Others assume he is mine. There are days that confuse me. We can't stop the eye contact. Exams are here. I'm still asking. There is a lull. But we still share looks. We play football. He's a Ravens fan. I'm a Steelers fan. The rivalry gets exciting. Farewells are no longer just a hug. My toothbrush has a place next to his. Am I ok? I no longer know. I insist I am. But I am melting. Time is running out. One last time. It's the last night. A department formal. He's sweet. Everyone is leaving. It's just us. I don't want to let go. We kiss. We kiss. I'm at my door. He's at his car. There is a delay. It's goodbye. The music plays. I'm drowning in it. I still have his hat. There is a hole in me. I understand the cliches now. Please don't forget me.
There are things about me that will forever be changed. I know that I will never be able to listen to Maroon 5 without thinking about him or remembering the whisper of his voice over the hum of the keyboard and the vibrations of the guitar. No longer will football be an occasional blip of interest once or twice a year. I'll remember that he loved the smell of my lip balm and the taste of my lip gloss. I won't forget the feeling of being pulled in his arms for a dance. If we meet again, we'll just be friends, won't we. What happened was just a moment in our lives, but I'll probably carry it with me the rest of my life. Thoughts of "if only" score trenches in my mind. I can't say that I loved him. But I can say that I was climbing to that summit. I can only hope I will meet someone like him in the future.
I can only wish that I knew what you felt, because I'll miss you. I'll miss your smile, when it was just for me. I'll remember the hell you put me through, the turmoil you created in me. I'll miss the way you looked at me, when I wouldn't stop talking, when you wanted to kiss me. I'll miss you because I'm not sure we'll ever be this way again. I'll miss you because the little things will fade in my memory. I'll miss you because you made me fall for you without even trying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPW3gRgXTq0
The song that got me through this post
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